Gold and Red Make Orange
by berr.holl
Summary: Kaneen is 14 year old girl that has nothing special to show for except an entire country wants her dead because of an two hundred year old prophecy. Raised noble in the Palace of Corus she is sent to the slums of the Lower City for protection.
1. Prologue

Prologue

His name was Colin of Carter Hills and he was my best friend. I had been raised for the most part in the Palace at Corus, but I had spent my earlier years, 8 and younger, at my family's home in Southern Bridge near the border where Tortall touches both Tyra and Tusaine. I had been raised to appreciate what you have but always strive to succeed, wishful thinking for a girl of my era, I might add, but not completely futile. Alanna and Keladry had made that possible.

Alanna of Pirate's Swoop and Olau was essentially the groundbreaking individual that changed Tortall into a country that not only accepted women as warrior but embraced them. Reckon during her knight training she masqueraded as a boy and did not reveal herself until she was accidently unveiled during a battle with the infamous Roger of Conte, but she was still an inspiration to girls all across the country. On top of that, her best friend Jonathan became king shortly after and it became legal for girls to train to be knights. Alanna was in part my biggest hero.

Then there was Keladry of Mindelan. She was a girl with out-forth bravery and inhibition. After the law was passed opening training up to females she became the first girl to openly become a knight. She fought in war before she surpassed squirehood and unlike Alanna, who lived through war during her squire years as well, did it all without magic. Alanna was a mage and Keladry wasn't. But that didn't make her any less extraordinary: upon becoming a knight she managed to kill the man responsible for the taking of children's souls to feed the magicked metal beasts terrorizing the border between Scanra and Tortall.

When admiring Alanna I felt more awe than I did when admiring Keladry. With her I felt more of a connection, I supposed because becoming a knight in her fashion was more realistic for me. I was after all not interested in playing dress up as a boy and not a mage. However I dreamed of becoming Alanna probably because she was a so ground breaking in her ways. I wanted to do the same with something of my own. Maybe there was another reason though. Maybe that reason was because Keladry ended up dying. Alanna was still alive.

I met him when I moved into the castle upon my eighth birthday; the move was done in a sudden and life changing way. My entire childhood was spent dreaming of moving to the palace and when I finally did I never thought twice about it. There was no chance in my mind that anything bad could ever fall from living at the palace and that I would ever want to move home.

He lived there too, with his father; his mother was back in Carter Hills. I was in the stables petting the pages' horses when I heard a boy's talking to the stable hand. Climbing out of the hay when the voices stopped I looked up into the most beautiful sky blue eyes I had ever seen.

"Who are you?" he asked leaning forward over the edge of the gate. He was short enough that it only went to his shoulders.

"I'm Kaneen," I said as I stood up, shaking straw out of my hair. We were the same height. "Who are _you_?"

"I'm Colin. I live here."

"Well I live here too. Could we be friends?" I stuck my hand out to him like I had seen my father do.

"I'd like that," he smiled and took my hand.

From that day forth we were the best of friends. No conflict ever separated us and we never anything that was more than we could handle. We were the same age almost exactly; he was two months older. So when we turned ten, he became a page and his father went home. I wished with all my heart that I could train too, but I never got the gut to ask to my own father. I reckoned if I wasn't brave enough to ask, I wasn't brave enough to handle 8 years of vigorous training. I made it my goal though to become as strong as possible.

Colin knew my ambitions, all of them, so when he would get back from training at night he would teacher everything he learned that day. In exchange I helped, and most of the time did, his afterhour's book practice for him. I had managed to prevent my parents from sending me to the covenant but I still received daytime schooling inside the palace walls. My theory was that it occupied the time that I would have spent alone because Colin was in schooling of his own, but I honestly hated it. Nothing could have made me like it. There was one benefit at least, it made doing Colin's work effortless, giving me more time to be taught how to fence, tackle, fight with a staff.

By the time I was fourteen, I was able to beat Colin in 3 out of 5 sword fights. But then it all crashed. My entire life began to deteriorate the summer of my fourteenth year. That fall, Colin was leaving. He had found himself a knight master and one that thoroughly enjoyed field work. Basically, it would be months at a time before I would be able to see him.

That was when I decided to do something rash. I gathered all my bravery and went to ask my father if I could at least plead to be accepted for knight training. I was too old, but I knew a lot and I held that and prayed it would be enough. I was walked into my father study when it happened.

The arrow flew right by head. It only missed because I saw it coming and I put a hand up to catch it. When I caught that arrow, it was such a liberating feeling to be able to show that I was capable of something great that I knew my father would be instantly impressed.

Turns out I was wrong.

Very, very wrong.


	2. Chapter 1: Lower City

"I don't want you to leave," Colin moved in front of me, blocking me from being able to pack the rest of my clothes.

"I don't want to either, but it's not like I have a choice. Besides, you'll be gone for a lot of time too, so you won't miss me much more than you already would," I tried to get around him but I was too small. He was nearly six feet tall and I was barely 2 inches over five feet. The one thing we had in common though was leanness. We were both muscular but very thin. Nothing else was the same. He had blonde hair, sky blue eyes, and pasty white skin. I had golden strawberry blonde hair, gold eyes, and light caramel colored skin. It almost looked like it was gold tinted.

"You're such a bad liar," he shook his head and pushed me onto my bed.

"No, you just know better than to believe me," I tried to smile but I wasn't exactly in the mood to do so. He didn't know how hard this was for me. This was my sanctuary. If I had my way I would live until my death here.

Colin sighed and fell back on the mattress. "Ugh! This is so unfair. I know I'm leaving but not for another month and it's not like I won't ever come back. Why can't they just give you a body guard or something?"

"Because they think throwing me into the Lower City, where there are thugs, rapists, thieves, and murderers is the safer option. Colin, I can't control what my parents choose." I covered my face wit hands and tumbled back.

"What about the King? What does he think about this? He adores you like you're a child or a grandchild of his own. Can't he stop them?"

"Well, he could stop them, he _is_ the king, but he says that he respects my parents' decisions. It's hopeless. They're making me go." Tears touched my eyes. God I'm so weak, I spat at myself.

"Oh stop crying, Neenee," he said and wiped the tears from my cheeks. "Tears won't solve anything."

"I know. I just don't know what to do anymore. This is my life; the Palace, the nobility, you. I don't know anything else anymore." I looked up into Colin's eyes and sighed. It was useless. He was just as upset as me about this whole situation and there was nothing either of us could do about it.

"Why did those men shoot at you anyway? The first arrow could have been an accident but they opened fire on you. There was what, 10 arrows?" he propped himself up on his arm.

"Eleven and it has something to do with a prophecy. I don't what it's about and why it involves me but it's Galla. The assassins were Gallan. They managed to capture one for interrogation but the other two got away. I wish people would tell me what's going on though. I'm really confused these days." I closed my eyes in remission. I couldn't deal with this.

"Ah. Don't be confused. What do you say we have a duel? I'd suggest a ride but I don't think you're allowed to leave the Palace walls," he smiled in his pleading way that won me over every time.

"Why not? Let's just hope no one thinks I'm getting attacked." He laughed and we ran down the hall like children to get his practice sword.

I was in tears. I hated leaving so much. My entire life revolved around the Palace and Colin and now I would never get to see either again. We were standing in the court yard next to the dinky carriage that would take us to our new home. Colin, my brother, Taylor's, best friend Alex, and my sister, Allicyn's, betrothed Ericson were all gathered around us. Ericson and Allicyn were talking quietly while holding hands. Obviously they didn't feel comfortable kissing around our parents. Not so true around me. It was scaring actually. However, now they simply stared at each other, Allicyn crying and Ericson sad looking. Taylor and Alex were talking about what they would do when Taylor returned, the havoc they would raise.

I stood in front of Colin, his back to the Palace, mine to the carriage. These were our places. I was meant to be on the peasant side and he was meant to be on the noble side. That's how it was meant to be.

"I love you, Colin," I said through a sob and hugged him. "I've never had a better friend."

"I love you too, Kaneen. And you do know no one dying, right?" He pushed me back to look into my eyes. I frowned and he laughed. We were the perfect friends. Why did this have the happen?

"Well, is it wrong to say that in having to leave I feel like some of me is dying?"  
"Wrong as in not comprehendible, no. Wrong as in not acceptable, yes. Don't ever let yourself die over me. I'm not that important."

"You're everything. In the past 6 years only one person has really mattered and that's you. You mean everything to me. You're my best friend." I sobbed again.

"And you're mine but that doesn't mean you should live without me. You are your own being. I can't have you leaving and dying. You have to hang on emotionally. If not for you then for me. When you come back I need you stable. Who knows if I will be." I sighed. He was right. It was just so hard.

"Kaneen, dear, we have to leave," my mother called.

"I love you, Kaneen. Remember that. Even though you're not here you'll still be my best friend. We can make it work," and he smiled warmly.

"I love you too, Colin." I hugged him as tight as I could manage and boosted myself up as high as possible to kiss his cheek with a big teary smack.

He lifted me up into the carriage door and shut it to make sure I stayed. I looked down at him through teary eyes.

"Goodbye, Kaneen," he said as the horses started moving.

"Goodbye, Colin," I called loud enough for him to hear but not loud enough to arouse my senses. I still felt lame and tired. I felt horrible. Life was horrible.

It was dark when the carriage finally took the last turn into the dark alley. I couldn't see anything by the light of the nearly blackened street globe twenty odd feet away.

"Go inside and lay down," my mother said and directed the three of us into our room. It looked like a big shelf with three sections. The floor section my sister automatically took, sliding in with her lap blanket and turning over to face the wall. Taylor looked at the two remaining shelves and climbed to the top one. That meant I got the middle.

Quietly and solemnly I stared at the ceiling of my shelf, not mattress beneath my back, nothing my the tattered "peasant" dress covering my body. I pulled my skirt up from my waist and tucked it around my neck. It was cold down here in the Lower City.

Long after my mother and father fell asleep on the straw mat on the other side of the room I started thinking about things in retrospect. What if we stayed here a long time? What if I didn't have a choice in the matter of staying? What would I do? Would I sulk the whole time?

We might stay here a long time and I wouldn't have a choice. I would do something useful and I wouldn't sulk. There had to be something in the Lower City to do. I put my hand on the dagger I had smuggled in my bodice. It was cold and hard and asking for trouble. Starting tomorrow I would set out to find something to do. Whether I was tough for a girl or not I was still a noble so I didn't have the skill to survive in the slums just yet. This knife would be my new best friend and only protection. It would be my way of staying out of trouble I somewhat desired. Anything would be nice in the end. As long as it got my mind of my life I was happy.

Still, they could have just gotten me a body guard.


	3. Chapter 2: New Job

I know this is an extremely short chapter but I needed the setup for the next chapter and I wanted to end it just how I did.

* * *

It took a while for me to be able to play out my personal promise. For a month my mother watched me like a hawk. After a while though, she relented. At that time I took to roaming the town every morning.

I kept my knife in my pocket but I never needed it persay. I used it, a lot, but it wasn't necessary. I liked to walking through the market during the morning rush. Thieves and scoundrels believed this time of day the best for nicking something to eat. I would take my coins and buy soft bread from the same stand every day. Then I would slip into the shadows and eat it while I watch the people. After a few weeks I got really good at spotting someone making away with contraband. That was what the knife was for. Stopping them.

One morning, when I was on the back of a particularly nasty brut trying to steal a loaf of bread, knife in his throat, struggling to maintain control of the situation without killing him, something was different then every other day. I noticed someone watching me.

She was wearing a black shirt, black pants, and a gold belt. Her hair was in one braid and she was standing in the shadows, arms folded, her eyes intent. I only caught a glimpse because that was all I could spare. I finished him off, letting him fall into the shadow unconscious, and then turned warily to face the woman. Who could she be?

"Well, aren't you one tough gixie?" she asked, walking forward into the light of the empty alley. Her clothes moved as she walked, revealing wide hips. She wasn't full figured, just big boneded. In fact, she quite thin for her bone structure.

"Gixie?" I asked.

She smiled and put her hands on her hips. "Girl."

"Oh."

"Why were you attacking the rat?" she nodded to the man on the cobblestones. I glanced down at him and then looked back up at her.

"He was stealing bread," I nodded to the loaf lying a few feet away.

"Yours?"

"No. Some vending woman."

Her eyes were a little puzzled. "You don't know the vending woman?"

"No."

"Then why did you help?"

I frowned. Why wouldn't I help? "I like helping. People don't deserve to lose things that are rightfully theirs."

She smiled brightly and said, "Walk with me, kid. I think I may have a job for you."

* * *

"Hold still," the batty looking fitting woman snapped. I tried to keep from moving but she kept jamming me with needles. "Gixie, if you don't stay put, I'm going to put a needle where you really don't want one."

I sighed and let her stab me a few times without moving. At last she told me I could leave, and that my uniform would be ready in a week. I prayed as I walked back into the kennel that I wouldn't grow soon; I don't want to go through that torture anytime soon.

The entire kennel was enchanting. In some ways it reminded me of the palace. The structure, the calling, the destiny in the walls. I loved it. "DARWIN!" the activities director snapped. I hurried over to his side.

"Yes?"

"Training starts on Monday. Be here. If want to be a dog then you have to be punctual."

"Yes, sir," I nodded, a smile teasing my lips. I couldn't help it. I was ecstatic. This was the best thing that had happened to me since I was dumped in the Lower City.

His eyes lightened and became almost mocking. "I'll see you then…puppy," and he turned on his heels and headed into the office area.

My heart thundered. Puppy. I was a puppy. Well that was a lot better than peasant.

Now if only I was a page.


	4. Chapter 3: Field Training

It was the most amazing rush. Knowing I could put my skills to good work finally. Lydia, the dog, who found me in that dark alley way off the market, spent a little bit of time with me for the first few days trying to see what else I could do. This was after my regular puppy training of course.

It was fun. Now when I left the house early in the morning to do, as my mother said occasionally, "Mithros knows what," I wasn't going to the market to knife criminals. I was going to headquarters, the place where puppies, somewhat of a cop to be, studied, to learn how to use that knife to cut but not kill, or how to stop a street brawl, or how to bash three heads at once with a baton. It was violent work, but so was being a knight. The only difference was the knights used their swords, giving them an easy three foot birth from their prey, and they could walk away and leave the clean up for someone else. Dogs had to take care of their mess. They weren't just beating the criminals in the city; they were protecting and innovating it.

Now that was active days. There were also desk days. I didn't really like those. We got to sit in desks and listen to some disabled or retired dog droan about laws and proper treatment of the townsmen. We had to take tests and write papers on everything we learned. There was written work we had to do outside of headquarters. I had to stay up late at night in my bed shelf, studying the laws and regulations written on the back cover of my favorite book. If I kept my papers and text books at home someone would find them and I would be discovered. That wasn't something I needed.

So, when I had written work I had to do, I told my mom I was meeting a friend, specifically a girl I had become close to at headquarters, Aunnaleen. Then I went down to my favorite eatery in the southeast side of town, Gerund's, and did my work. I would buy something on the days that my father gave a few gold galleons, rather than a few bronze. As the weeks passed, Conner, the bartender, became so accustomed to me being there, he greeted me by name, and gave me a glass of wine on the house. I think he was hoping I would one day come over to the counter and flirt with him.

I never did.

One day, in February, when I came into headquarters, Lydia was there. Excitedly, I ran over to her. She didn't come in often.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, exasperated.

"I came for you," she smiled. Her eyes were soft. She made me smile.

"Really? Why?" I was bouncing. How silly I must look, I thought to myself. A little midget of a girl jumping up and down like a child.

"Because today you're leaving headquarters."

I cocked an eyebrow like men do. It was something that I had picked up from the male teaching dogs. She smiled at me again and laughed.

"You're becoming a field puppy." I squealed. "And every field puppy has two master dogs. You'll be somewhat of an apprentice. To myself and Harland." She nodded to a tall dog in the office of the dog that handled the paper work around here. He was facing away so I couldn't see his face to see if I recognized him, but the name held no meaning to me.

After I got over my excitement something dawned on me. "Lydia," I started, bringing her back to me from her mental contemplations.

"Hmm?"

"Don't puppies have to be housed trained (what we call training around here) for two years before they become field puppies?"

"Well, yes, but most puppies can't bring a man at least three times their weight to the ground in less than 2 minutes using only their body. Most puppies can't duel like knight, and most puppies can't actually get people to do what they say when they say it. You know that's quite an uncanny talent you have. All you have to do is really want something when you say it, with a passion, and who ever you're working will actually do what you want of them. Quite strange. Basically you're already worthy of being a field puppy, in my opinion. And as I'm the one who found you and the one who want to take you on, I get to say that you're ready. Or influence the big dog's decision."

It was unbelievable. I was so extremely happy. "Can I go tell my friend?"

"Of course. But be back soon. We want you to hit the streets today." I squealed again and then ran off to find Aunnaleen.

"Aunnaleen! Aunnaleen! Aunnaleen!" I yipped. "Aunnaleen." I came to a stop beside her.

"What? What? What?" she laughed.

"Guess!"

"You found a galleon on the ground."

"No! Better!"

"Better? You found true love and now you're off to marry him, be whisked away to his castle to live happily ever after?"

"Well, I'm still waiting for that one. But no. I'm becoming a field puppy."

"Oh Mithros! Really? Girl you're so lucky! How?" She shook my shoulders.

"Well, I just walked in, saw Lydia, and she told me that was being promoted to field puppy and she and Harland are going to be my mast-"

"HARLAND?" she gasped.

"Yeah. Tall, dark hair, light skin."

"Oh, Mithros. Mithros, Mithros, Mithros. How I envy you." She shook he head.

"Why?" I didn't really understand her…desire.

"Have you not seen him?" I shook my head. "He's a god! Beautiful, sweet, suave. Mmm. These are either going to be the best, or worst," she added with a understanding look, "months of your life."

"Worst?" again I cocked an eyebrow. You'd think I was a man.

"Well, if you fall in love with him and can't take him not falling back," she seemed to be rehearsed in this. How many did it happen too?

"Does that happen often?"

"Well, I could name the few that I know of: Carol, Danny, Alice, Gillian, and Venice." She nodded, eyebrows high.

"Really?"

"Yes, and I don't doubt there was others." She shook her head. "But if you can take you'll be love it."

"Is he married?" Why wouldn't he fall back for any of them?

"No. He just doesn't court any women. But he could have any he wanted. Mmmm. I said it before and I say it now. Mmmhmmmhmmm." She closed her eyes, lost in fantasy.

"You're ridiculous," I shook my head at her and hit her arm.

"You'll see," she said gravely, but then laughed and hit me back.


	5. Chapter 4: Dog's Eyeview

I hoped you like Aunnaleen. She'll come back in a while but for now she's gone. Enjoy!

* * *

"Alright," Lydia said, as she strapped the metal armor onto my hands. It was strange feeling. It essentially just covered the knuckles, with simply and little strips along the long sections of the fingers. I liked them. If they had spikes on them they would be better. "Now, if anything happens just stay in the back. I can't have you getting hurt on your first day, now can I?" she lightly wacked my arm and then looked up. "Oh, here comes Harland. Our outing can start. He was very kind to agree to be your other dog master. Most everyone thought I was crazy to take a puppy with only five months experience into the field, but most of them don't know you. Besides, I think you've had a little more than three months of training. Just not with us." She didn't even take a breath in between that last sentence and the next. Harland, I'd like you to meet Kaneen Darwin."

I turned slowly, not too sure I wanted to actually see Harland after Aunnaleen's response. "Kaneen, this is Santiago Harland." Her hand gestured was unnecessary. I knew no other person in the world could be Santiago Harland. It had to be this person. This incredibly gorgeous and oh so perfect man had to be Santiago Harland, nobody else fit the description of god.

He put his hand out to me, which I took, trying to contain myself. He was…there is no word perfect enough to describe it. He was. He was.

"Ahh," he said as I took his warm and soft hand. "You are the infamous Kaneen Darwin Channy has been going on and on about. (Channy is Lydia last name. The people in the Common's have last names. Isn't that strange?) I thought if I didn't say I would do it she would drive me insane with her constant pleads and 'subtle' hints."

"Harland," she said through her teeth.

I blushed. How sweet. "Oh, well, she exaggerated, I'm sure."

He studied me until Lydia said, "We best be off." She started towards the door.

I started ahead but when we came to the door, Harland held it open for me. "For the record," he said under his breath as I passed by, Lydia already around the corner, "I don't think she did."

I didn't know whether to smile or ignore him so I simply meet his eye with questioning ones once I was outside. He responded by smiling ever so slightly and turning his head a little.

* * *

"This for you," Lydia said, handing me something from her locker in the supply shed by the gates of headquarters. "It's your very own Baton." I took it from her and looked down at it. It was long, sleek, and black aside from the writing on the side. I looked down at it. The words were, "KANEEN DARWIN," in shiny gold paint. "Harland suggested I personalize it for you," she nodded to the writing.

"Thank you! Thank you so much! Lydia. Harland." I nodded to them both.

"You're welcome, but don't worry. It's regulation. We just took the liberty to have it fashion by Raven Armories and personalized," Lydia said, trying to make it sound blazé.

"Raven Armories? Lydia! You shouldn't have!"

"Well, I did so deal with."

I smiled and we headed out the gates, stopping to have the gatekeeper put the official field puppy wax stamp on top of my puppy stamp. I was now distinguished.

They toured me through the city, showing me how to see everything from a dog's point of view. They took me to the alleyways a maiden isn't supposed to go down, and they made me go into the pubs with tar from pipes and animal droppings nearly an inch thick on the floors. We went into places that smelled of murderers and thieves and places that made the hair on my arms stand on end. I watched Lydia bash the heads of two very large brutal looking men and Harland bolt their hands together with magicked shackles. They took me to the criminal section of the kennel, where murders shrieked and shouted calling for someone to let them out. And, despite all this, I wasn't scared or worried.

I loved it. Seeing the town from this angle was liberating. And when it became dark I didn't want to leave. I could have stayed out with Lydia and Harland all night guarding the city but I had to go home. I would already have to come up with an excuse.

"Where are you going? One of us can take you home," Lydia said.

"Umm. In the north western area."

"Great. That's on Harland's way home. He'll take you. Alright, sweetie, I have to go, my husband wants to take me out tonight and it's the only time he'll be home this week. Work," she rolled her eyes.

"Okay," I said, my heart thundering a little bit. Why Harland? "I'll see you tomorrow then, right Lydia?"

"Of course," she said and nodded. "Good bye, Kaneen."

"Bye Lydia." I waved and watched her go. "Um, Harland," I started, turning to him.

"Yeah?" he was already looking at me. That was strange. "Since we're right by head quarters do you think we could go by? I need to get my clothes."

"Sure thing," and we started towards the building that held my link to reality. That's right, I thought. This isn't reality. Reality to me is at home where my parents are and don't want me to amount to anything. At home is where my sister is who does nothing but brood over her betrothed. At home is where my brother is waiting desperately to get back to the castle so he can see his friends again. This, this life I had created for myself wasn't reality either. It was my escape. That little place in my mind that I fled to to find my release. It wasn't where I wanted to be. I wanted to be in the castle, sitting on Colin's bed doing his math problems or writing his language papers. I wanted to be learning how to wield a sword or joust or the proper way to tell a man that you lost his dinner plate and have brought him the left over broth from the fat man's bowl. (A very unfortunate incident that Colin face four three winter holidays ago.) But that world was now very far away. It was so far away it didn't even seem real anymore. It was simply something that maybe I had read in a story book many, many years ago or heard in a song one day when I was at a banquet. Something that seemed vaguely familiar but unreal. Lost. Foreign. Of another world entirely.

After I had my dress on properly and had fixed my hair quickly in the mirror of the little changing stall, I headed out glad I had worn my nicest dress today. This one had no holes or wear signs; it just wasn't fancy like my old gowns used to be.

"Well don't you look beautiful," Harland said as we headed out the door. I felt my neck get hot. Did he have to be so attractive? If he were ugly then I wouldn't blush. But he was very handsome and, seeing as I didn't know his personality well, that gave him the opportunity to make me turn red. Oh well. "You lead the way," he said as we left the gates of headquarters.

We didn't talk as we walked. I looked around myself, finding that I'd come to enjoy, strangely, the squalid and putridness of the Lower City. Now when I saw the pigs that ran across the street I didn't look at them in horror of the poverty, I looked at them in amusement of adoration. It was magically. It was perfect. It was home. And I loved it. That was why I was risking my life and my freedom to save it. That was why I snuck around behind my parent's backs to make myself a guardian of it. Because it was home. Because I loved it.

And because, unless offer the castle, I'd never want to leave it.

"This is my stop," I said quietly, breaking the silence that had built up between me and Harland. The world wasn't silent, but we were.

He smiled and said, "You live here?"

"No but I have something I need to do it this shop so I might as part here."

"Alright. See you tomorrow then," he nodded to me. My heart skipped a beat. Come on, I told myself, he had to be at least 23.

"See you tomorrow," I said and I headed towards the dress shop that I had no intention of going in once he was out of sight.

"Oh," he called from a ways away.

"Yeah?" I turned back, hopeful.

"I have to say it, I'm really glad I agreed to be your dog master, Darwin," he smiled a big, warm smile.

"And I have to say, I'm really glad you did too, Harland."

He laughed and bowed as he walked backwards. I laughed and turned towards the dress shop, still happy about my dog master's response to me. Now if only he could actually walk me home without my father finding out what I'm really up to during the day.


	6. Chapter 5: Parental Authority

I didn't like coming home. The foundation was fear and the walls were sadness. It hurt me so much to come home. No one smiled much anymore. My mother would be in the kitchen when I came home, learning how to cook, and crying when she failed. I don't think she was crying over the food though. My father was sitting in his chair, not doing much of anything. He would sit and stare at the wall like there was point of interest on it. My brother was either in the yard throwing a ball against the wall hoping it would bounce back or sitting on his bed reading a book. And then there was my sister. Well, my sister, 18, betrothed, and pulled away from her life because of me, was always lying in her bed, staring off into space. There were no tears, no sobs. She just stared at ceiling of her cupboard. She didn't eat much and was becoming emaciated and she slept less. The circles around her eyes worried me but it wasn't like she needed the strength for anything. She didn't go anywhere. No, the only place I ever saw her was her bed.

Today when I walked into the house, wishing I could leave, it was dark outside. I knew my mother would be upset. She didn't like me out when it was dark. Frankly she didn't like me out at all but there wasn't much she could do to stop me, I would leave anyways. I opened the door and wiped the last of the winter snows off my boots, and passed into the subtle warmness of my home.

"Where were you?" my father's voice asked from behind me.

"Out." I didn't turn to look at him. He was angry, his voice lethal, and I couldn't face him when he was that way.

"Where were you?" He was angrier now.

"I was with Aunnaleen. Is that a problem?" I tried not to be sassy but I felt it bubbling beneath my skin.

"No," he seemed ashamed, maybe. "You need to tell me if you'll be out though! I was worried. You're the reason we're here. You can't go getting yourself killed. This is a dangerous city and you're just a girl. You can't go trolloping around like you own the place! It is extremely dangerous here!"

That set me off. If he was going to yell at me I was going to yell back. And with more force. "If it's so dangerous here why can't we go back to the palace?! I can get a guard there! Multiple! We can talk to Jon! He can do a protection spell! Or Lady Alanna! There're so many options you skipped over to make this rash decision to come here! My life was in the palace and you took me away from it! I could have kept it! I could have grown up as I wanted to! Taylor could have become a knight! Allicyn could have married Ericson like she wanted to and not have become so depressed! She just lies there everyday with nothing to live for because Ericson is at the palace and we are here! Why did we have to come here? You chose this! And because I was pulled into it I'm going to make the best of the time that I have. I 'm not going to sit around like the rest of you moping. I'm going to go outside and make something of myself. I'm going to start doing things on my own. I'm going to learn how to be me in this city, however best I can and that involves staying out late. When I need to. That involves not coming home until after dark because I like to watch the city lights with my friends. When I want to. That involves not coming home when is best for me because I have things to do. Whenever I feel like. I don't want to fight with you. But I can't stand this imprisonment. It's suffocating me. I need to go outside and breath, meet people, go places, live. There are people out there that I love and that I want to love. There are people out there who mean happiness to me and there are people out there who mean possibilities to me. There are a lot of things out there that I can't have in here. That's why I was gone. That's why I'll be gone tomorrow. That's why I'm pretty sure I'm not a child any more. Because I can comprehend all this. Because I can handle it. Because it means more than flattery to me. I may be a girl but I'm not a child. Don't treat me like one." It wasn't a question, it was an order. And while the first of my speech had been yelling I had calmed down in the middle. But the end, where I told him not to treat me like a child, was in a different voice. A voice I had never heard my lips emit before. It was the voice of power. The voice of strength. The type of voice you didn't ignore an order from. Ever. It was the type of voice that made my father falter, and stop and think. It was the type of voice that made him, dazedly, nod.

It was the type of voice that made him murmur, "You're right. You're not a child. You haven't been for quite some time and I've known it. I won't try to make you one anymore. It's your life now. You get to choose your destiny." And while I didn't agree with the last sentence, I didn't get to choose my destiny, That was set in stone by prophecies and foresight and fate, I did accept this. Finally he was giving me what I wanted. Finally he was letting me live my life. Finally I wasn't a little child sneaking around beneath her father's hand. And even though normally, in every other family a daughter only became a woman when she was married, I felt like it was real and had custom to it. We weren't normal.

Normal people didn't have prophecies saying Galla was going to try to kill them. Normal people didn't give up aristocracy by choice to live in the slums. Normal people didn't sneak around to become members of the Provost's Guard, (the official name of my new line of work) and normal people didn't have to suffer this. I wasn't like my father at all and he needed to accept that. There was no way I could actually be his child, we were took different. Maybe my mother had had an affair. But then again I wasn't like her either. Hopefully I was adopted. Then I could leave this place and flee for the palace.

Did I want to do that really though? Yes. I did. But for the first time, I was truly happy right here, despite what I told my father. I was happy. I wasn't ecstatically happy, but I was happy. Give me a few months of being with Lydia and Harland like we were today and I might become ecstatically happy. I might become who I was before, when I was Colin. I might. I just might.


	7. Chapter 6: Today's Goal

Okay, this is the longest chapter so far and I sped up the action a bit and bumped part of what I had planned for Chapter 8 into here.

If you're sensitive to violence read the first part and then skip to the end because there is a scene of violence here. Sorry. But I hope you like it! I even got carried away with myself and added something in that wasn't in the original plan. Ten points to the person that can guess what it is! Okay. I'm going to shut up.

And I'm going to say, I don't own anything, just because a lot of people say it and I feel left out. Happy Friday!

* * *

"Teach me to be a dog," I told Lydia forwardly.

"Isn't that what we're doing?" she looked up from her paper work laughing a little.

"Yes, but, I mean really. I need to learn how to be the hitter. I need to actually bash a head not just a stuffed dummy. I need real experience. It's one thing to do all this in headquarters but it's another thing to do it in real life. I need to actually do things. Make use of myself. Not be watcher." She looked at me incredulously. "Please, ma'am," I added awkwardly.

I didn't mean to be demanding but I had to prove my father wrong. Or right. He thought I was up to no good and in a way I wasn't but in a way I was. I wasn't doing what I was supposed to be doing but I was doing something that would help people, so it was a give and take situation. But I probably shouldn't have yelled at my father the way I did. Like it or not he was right about me. I was trolloping around trying to get myself killed. More so than ever before. For me it was dangerous to be putting spotlight on myself and that was just what I was doing. I was turning myself into a well known emblem of the Provost's Guard's Trainee Ranks.

And I felt bad for yelling at my father. I had concluded that though that the reason he had given in so easily was because I had a temper. That was well known. I was looking forward to first time I got to wield it on Harland. It would be a fun day. He was too cocky for his own good. I loved it. His cockiness and my determination to destroy it. It would be my goal for the next few weeks. I had a few goals. One, destroy Harland's cockiness. Two, prove my father wrong, that I could handle myself without getting killed. Three, become a dog. Four, find a way back to the castle before I died, which I would.

My goal for the day though, was to learn how to capture a rat, hands on. And that was all I was going to think about. I wasn't going think about my father, Harland, or my safety, just about capturing a rat. And what I misfortunate rat he will be.

* * *

"Do what you did that day I found you," Lydia said, her eyes solemn. "Just with a baton, not a knife. You think you can handle that?"

"Of course," I said with a smile and a nod.

"Then you'll be fine. Harland and I will go into the shadows and watch you. Just pretend we aren't there and you won't have any problem. Got it?"

"Absolutely," I nodded and she turned and headed off to the shadows. Harland didn't go right away though. He waited a second and spent that second looking into my eyes. What he saw, I don't know, but he nodded to me, smiled mischievously and was gone. I shook my head and put them out of my mind, All that mattered was the thieves in the market. I knew I was going to get thief.

That wasn't I got though.

At all.

I headed into the market, strolling in my black outfit, pushing my shoulders together to hide my breasts. I didn't have a gold belt like the dogs so I wasn't recognizable as a threat and my gold hair was in a braid (mind the bard braided into, a technique I had learned from one of the puppy instructures), not unlike some of the men in this town. All I had to do was hide my breasts and I would just look like a boy clad in black strolling through the market. I didn't need to call special attention to myself and if I looked like a girl in pants then I might be called out for being not a normal boy.

My eyes scanned the crowd, falling back on old tactics to spot someone suspicious. I looked for the eyes of wronging, the face of someone about to do something bad. I wasn't looking for the scrawny boys stealing a loaf of bread for their six year old sisters standing in the shadows. I wasn't trying to put orphaned children in prison. No I was looking for someone whose eyes told me they had given up on "good" and were working full force for the Rouge. Not that I was out to take care of the Rogue, admiring Alanna for all these years had taught me that even the Rouge didn't have to be the bad guy. It was those who worked for the Rogue, in theory, who really had it out for him and would take his orders to do something to a whole new level. The rogue wasn't evil; it was those who worked for him. It was those who did his dirty work that had the potential to be evil. First they started out thieves, ganking shiny objects from market women, then they became rapists, steal the jewelry from unsuspecting women while violating them, and then they became murderers.

I wanted to stop them in the thief stage. That's what I was out to do.

That was when I saw a face. It wasn't a remarkable face, nothing special about it, but it gave me a strange hint of familiarity. Casually I walked by it, knowing that was my face. I looped around behind a stand selling magicked pendants. My feet were moving me now. They weren't doing anything on my command. They moved me through the shadows back towards the face. He saw me coming, out of the corner of his eye, an action I somehow caught, and he very casually turned on his heels and headed into the alley behind him.

Adrenaline rushed through me and I drifted toward the alley making my feet soundless. I knew he probably wouldn't be running; he didn't have the feel of a normal criminal. So instead of turning down the alley I stopped right and the mouth and pressed ear to the brick wall. Conjuring up everything in me I silence the rest of the world to my call and listened closely for breathing, movement, anything. Some small give away was all I needed. Something to tell me that he was right there, leaning against the wall, listening for me.

That was when I flung myself around. I did a flip around the corner into the alley, baton out, ready to smash anything in its way. I was too short for my technique to hit his head, but a slam in the gut with Raven Armory Wood hurts just as much. He was ready for me though.

The blade of a dagger slid into my hip. The blood welled up on my shirt but I ignored it. It wasn't the first time I had been stabbed. It had happened during training with Colin certainly enough. I wasn't actually a page so when we fought with real swords and no practice armor, I tended to get stabbed. That was why I eventually got really good at sword fighting. After having three inches of razor sharp blade slid into you and slice you arms, legs, and abdomen 147 times (yes I counted; there are tally marks cut into the wall beneath a bed in my old room), you tend to evolve physically into a creature that is an animal with a sword. It happens. You also pick up a resistance to pain. In all my time being a puppy I had never been sent to the medical ward. I had been bashed until I was black and blue beneath my dress and had even slightly cracked the bone in my upper arm but I had always been fine within four days and kicking within three minutes.

This stab wound was nothing.

I wrenched myself to the side, taking the knife with me. When the baton had connected with his gut his grip had faltered. I arm went for his side, trying to get a good enough grip to climb on top of him. A hand grabbed my leg and wrenched it upwards. Damn my size.

He had me dangling by my calf but my hand swiped the dagger at his shoulder. He dropped me. I landed on my hands, letting myself fall towards him, my feet slamming between his knees. He was ready though, spread his legs and fell onto me. I gasped as I struggled to breathe. Hands were on my neck and the barb was pressing into my back, miniscule but deep stab wounds in my shoulder muscle. I managed to get my baton wielding arm out, impossibly, and slammed it against his head. He slid on me, falling to the ground and I scrambled to my feet, darting backwards.

He was on his feet as soon I was, but he was facing the other way. I used that as my opportunity to utilize my more cat than dog like skills to pounce onto his shoulders, baton slamming into his skull over and over. The body beneath mine, in an attempt to throw me off thrashed to the left, in effect slamming himself, and me, into the bricks. I felt my knee and my elbow crack and jumped backwards, letting the lifeless man fall to the ground. I fell onto my back side and after hopping up and stepping forward to get a look at his face did I realize who it was. It wasn't until I had beat him unconscious did I realize who it was.

It was one of the two men that had been accomplice to the captured because of the attempt at my assassination.

Playing it cool, wiping the sweat off my forehead I knelt beside him and removed his waist pocket pouch. I was looking for a name in the crumpled papers in it when running footsteps sounded through the alley. I glanced up to see Lydia and Harland.

Lydia went right for the man on the ground and Harland came towards me. I didn't find a name or anything to signify that I was right about him being my Gallan assassinater, or even Gallan for that matter, but I did find a large crystal on a chain that I slipped up my sleeve descreetly. Harland pulling his shirt over his head, his belt slipping to his trousers, brought me back to the fight scene. He pressed the shirt against my bleeding stomach, slapping away my hands when I tried to stop him. I was fine honestly.

Or I had been. Before he took his shirt off. He had the gleaming chest of a love god, toned, even, smooth. He pushed the black cloth into my side, glancing back at Lydia. She was searching the man over, checking his pockets and belt. "Give me the purse," he muttered to me. I handed him the belt pouch that held nothing of importance to me, save maybe the necklace that was no longer in it. He tossed it to Lydia. She flipped through it the tossed it onto his body.

"You take her and go fix her up," Lydia said, chaining the man's hands up. "I'll take this one to the pound."

"Right," he said, and towed me out of the alleyway. When I stumbled because of my knee, he scooped me up and carried me to where ever it was that we were going.

"Put me down, I can walk," I complained.

"NNnn NNnn. You're losing blood, there's something wrong with your knee, and this way you make me seem less naked in public," he headed west.

"Don't take me to the medical ward," I pleaded. Anything but that. That was something I couldn't take right now. Plus, he was blowing this out of proportion. I'd be fine by Friday. It was Tuesday. He needed worry.

"Alright, but I'm fixing this," he said and turned a corner.

I let out a quiet "Ug" and let the very attractive man with the warm chest, half-nakedly carrying me down a street in February lined by old snow, take me away.


	8. Chapter 7: Doctor Harland

"Put me down please," I asked as we walked into a nicely furnished living room.

"Alright," he said setting me onto a kitchen chair in the next room. He then picked the chair up and set it in front of a fire place. He tossed some wood into the fire place and lit it. "Now," he said resignedly, pulling some stuff out of a trunk. "For the wound."

"It's fine. Really. I heal abnormally quickly. You'll find it's already stopped bleeding," I added, wanting to show him up. I not only have a temper. I'm competitive.

"We'll see about that," he murmured. "Now lean back." I didn't need to, he pushed me.

"What are you-"

"Hush."

Well.

"Well I'll be damned," he said quietly, holding my shirt midway up my stomach.

"No blood?" I guessed smugly.

"Not only no blood but minor scabbing. Do you have magic?" he looked up from where he was kneeling.

"No."

"Then the gods have their eye on you. This is highly unusual," he shook his head and began washing the blood from my skin with a soft cloth.

"I doubt that," I scoffed to myself. If anything they have it out for me. I was in some prophecy as a major threat to Galla. Galla who wanted to kill me because of it.

His fingers running over my bare flesh gave me chills. It's not like I had never had a man touch my stomach, Colin had touched it plenty of times helping me clean up bloody messes from sword fighting, but this time was different. It wasn't Colin this time. It was Harland.

"You have so little faith in yourself," he laughed, getting the rag wet again in a bowl of water.

"I'm practical." He shook his head with another laugh.

"You're really good at fighting, you know. Like a cat."

I smiled. "Well, I've had a bit of practice."

"Where from?" I gasped, the rag running against the gash wrong. "Sorry!"

"It's okay. Umm, I had friend that was training to be a soldier and he taught me what he knew."

"Ahh. So you did have external training. You aren't a freaky prodigy," he teased lightly.

"Nope. Not a freaky prodigy. Sorry. I had quite a bit of it. I was learning since I was ten and can beat him in a duel hands down every time." Harland smeared a cream over the cut that burned. I bit my lip, closed my eyes, tensed up, and kept silent. No more gasping. That was for wimps.

" Every time?" he scoffed. "I'll have to challenge you sometime."

"If you want to lose to a girl, what, 6, 7 years you junior be my guest," here was my chance to kill his cockiness. Beat him in a duel. Easy. I was the best in Colin's class and I wasn't even in it.

"A little over 5 and I doubt that."

"You're only 20?"

"I try to have a witty debate with you and you get stuck on my age." He rolled his eyes dramatically, never looking up from his work. He was now putting little bandages over the cut.

"I never knew it. How old's Lydia?" He got out the big bandages that would go around my abdomen to hold the little ones to my belly.

"26. And the provost is 75, the King is 64, and my cousin is 4. Anyone else you want to know?" His words were mocking but his tone was kind. I liked Harland. "Lean forward," he murmured, beginning to wrap the bandages around me.

"Oh yeah, actually I wondering if you knew Mithros' a-"

"Kaneen." His tone was wary.

"Yeah?"

"Why are like dozens of huge scars on your waist?" He pulled my shirt up higher. "They're everywhere." Hands were rolling my sleeve up, inspecting my arms, and then moving to my legs. "You're covered in them."

"They're nothing. I told you I trained with my friend and that I was the best sword fighter between us. Well, in order to become the best sword fighter you have to take some stabs. That's why I wasn't worried about this one," I motioned to the one that was partially bandaged. "Stab wounds are nothing new to me."

"Why would you're friend butcher you?" he stared into my eyes, horrified.

"Because we were using real swords and no armor. They didn't issue it in his division outside of class. Don't worry about it. I'm not," I let my voice drop, my eyes get soft. If he knew the situation he would understand but I couldn't explain it. That was violating so many rules.

"Let me make a person promise to you, Kaneen," he said, his face suddenly extremely close to mine. "You will not get many more of these scars while you are working with me."

"That's a promise?" the intensity was bothering me. My face was getting hot.

"Yes." And then his lips touched my temple. My heart thrashed. His hands were still on my stomach, nearly touching my breast band. I felt so small beneath him, like a child cowering beneath a large adult. I felt like a toy, like something he could pick up and put on the self for safe keeping. I didn't like that feeling, but it was something that rang the words, "that's the price," through my brain. What was the price paying for? And was willing to pay it?

Inferiority was never something I liked, that was why I didn't quit the first time Colin put a sword in my side. He wanted me to, pleaded for me to, but I wouldn't. We had a first fight that day. He had been in training for 6 months and we didn't talk until he had been in it for 7. By that time I thought I was going to go mad from doing nothing. Stupid lady training classes my father made me take. "And this is how a lady sits." "And this is how a lady curtsies." "NO Kaneen! Ladies do not bow!" "No Kaneen! Ladies do not have sword fights with butter knives and melons!" "No Kaneen! Ladies do NOT wear their skirts hiked up so they can fight better!" "No Kaneen!...No Kaneen!...KANEEN! NO!" They were hardly fulfilling, and when they were the only thing I had to look forward to each day I thought I was going to wither away. I even went to practice with one of Colin's friends but Colin made those practice sessions stop. He got jealous.

"Then it's one you'll be able to keep. I'm fairly good at fighting, and I don't believe the one I fought with today was of thief status." He finally leaned back, finishing wrapping my stomach, his hands going back where they were supposed to be.

"No. He wasn't. He had a knife on his that had blood. Dried blood, and it wasn't pig blood either. Whom ever it was, well, I'm glad you caught him. Try to go for thieves next time though. I don't want you fighting with murders right off the bat. You've been a field puppy two days for Mithros' sake! I don't want you getting killed before the end of the week. That would hardly look good or be tasteful. You're growing on me, Goldie."

"Great, now you're knick naming me after a dog?"

He laughed. "Well, aren't you one? Almost, at least. You fight like a cat but here as a dog." He ruffled my hair and got up to put the medical supplies away.

"Good point. And I only fight like a cat when I don't have a sword."

"I'll have to put one in your hands one of these days."

"I'm holding you to that."

"Don't pass out because you might be holding your breath a _long _time," he smiled and came back.

I dramatically took a deep breath and held it.

"Oh dear," he laughed again. I liked his laugh. "How's your knee?"

"Fine. See?" I bent and unbent my leg for his approval.

"No pain?"

"Nothing that isn't tolerable. It's not broken if that's what you mean. Like falling down really hard."

"I'll trust you," he went back into the kitchen. "How about food?"

* * *

Harland walked me to head quarters a while before three where I changed. We walked down to the Thames river afterwards. He told me about how it used to look when he was a little boy. I wouldn't know about it; I grew up in the north, closer to Scanra than Corus.

He then told me he was going to walk me home, telling me I needed extra sleep today, seeing as I wasn't injured. I felt marvelous for an injured person.

We got to the dress shop where I again had to go into for a while, around four. See father, I was home before dark. Barely.

"Are you sure we don't need to tell Lydia that I'm fine?" I asked as we stood in front of the store.

"I'm sure. Remember, I'm just as much of your dog master as she is. It's not like I'm a fellow puppy that has check in after doing anything. I'm a grown adult," he said it, trying to make himself look old.

I was taller than him though, standing on the stoop of the porch, him on the ground that sloped away from the building.

"And I'm middle aged. We all have dreams," I said quietly.

"Hey," his voice said in mock-authority. "Watch it. I'm the dog here. I can put you in the pound."

We both shivered at the same time. The thought of sitting in the pound, not the kennel, which was jail, the pound prison, was a bit frightening. The pound of Corus was _not _a place any one wanted to be.

"Scamper off, Harland. I have things to do," I said, changing the tone, but still saying it in a laughing voice.

"Alright. Well, I'll see you tomorrow. Kaneen," he added my name on with more emotion to it.

"Goodbye, Harland." Such a nice name…

"Take care and don't lay on that cut." He pointed at it.

"I won't. Good bye, Harland," I pretended to be annoyed, purposefully doing a bad job. I could act and I could lie. Getting away with something wasn't hard for me. People just believe me, doing what I wanted them to do.

"Good bye, Goldie," he smiled, waved and walked off in a springy gait. I rolled my eyes and turned to go into the dress shop, or pretend to. I like Harland. A lot.


	9. Chapter 8: Fighting Chance

The days passed quickly, each second just as savory as the last. Every minute I spent on patrol was a minute to remember. Every time I got to get hands on with a criminal I catalogued the memories as moments to never forget. Every time Harland looked at me, touched me, or obviously flirted with me I fermented the instances into my mind as permanent and unforgettable. They were all so important.

The days turned into weeks and before I knew it, it was April. The sun was out later, almost to 7, the days were actually warm on occasions, and the criminals were at bay. Everything was falling into place; becoming perfect. Harland taught me all of the special tricks he knew and made me wear a light layer of body armor underneath my clothing when we went out. Seems as if he doesn't like me getting skewered all that much.

Lydia wasn't worried about me. She knew I was tough and didn't even bother about my huge gash. I respected her for that. Sweet woman.

My schedule was aligned and harmonious. I would get up at 7:30 every day and eat breakfast with mother, father, and brother in silence. At 8:30 I would walk over to headquarters and change. At 9 Lydia, Harland, and I would head out for the day. At 1:30 we would eat lunch together somewhere in town, whether that be a pub or the curb in the market, we would always eat together. At 5:30 we would break up and I would go spend the evening with Aunnaleen. At 9:30 I would come home, eat what leftover I could find and then fall asleep. On Fridays, however, after our day, Harland, Lydia, and I would go to a busy and exciting eating house and have a meal together. On Saturday nights the puppies would get together at a different, wilder pub and have a party. On Monday's and Wednesday's I will still go to Gerund's though. I liked it there. Conner never stopped being as friendly as he had been before and I never gave him more than his tip. He was a sweet boy but I wasn't interested in him.

The necklace I had found in the purse of the assassin remained on my neck forever more. I had no intention of taking it off anytime soon. That was the only place it was safe and I had no clue what it was for or why he had it. It gave me the chills though.

It was the second week of April that everything changed. It was a Tuesday and I was getting ready for my day at headquarters. My black uniform was on, my baton in place on my belt, my body armor securely on, and I was about to walk over to Aunnaleen to talk until Lydia showed up when a hand grabbed my arm.

I whipped around a little too fast.

"Kaneen!" Harland gasped exasperated.

"Yeah? Sorry," I looked down.

"Remember when I promised you a duel?"

"Yeah," I said, a little unsure of where he was going with this.

"Well," he pulled something out from behind his back. It was a sword. "Today we duel. Being a dog and not a soldier I don't keep more than one sword around so I had to visit my dear uncle to snag this one," he shook the one in his hand, "but I will finally spar with you."

I squealed and took the sword from him, weighing it. It was a little on the heavy side but it would do. "Right now?" I asked excitedly. My body could hardly keep up with me.

"Why not?"

"Where?"

"The court yar-" I grabbed his hand and began running towards the court yard before he could finish his sentence.

I released him in the court yard, where I ran over to a bench to set my belt and baton down. "You ready?" I bounced excitedly.

"No stretching first?" he laughed. I rolled my eyes but did it anyways. He was right. Stretching would come in handy. Forty-five seconds of stretching later, I couldn't contain myself; I was ready for the duel. This was my chance. This was my chance to meet the Harland goal. I had met the father goal by just being alive right now, doing as well as I was, so I only had to do was become a dog and get back to the palace before the Gallan's got to me. And yes I believed they probably would. If the prophecy said I was a threat to them, then I was threat to them. I believed in prophecies. They were the axis for the future.

"Alright, Goldie. Stances ready."

I positioned myself exactly, falling instantly back in time to a day in Colin's room, getting ready to duel right there. I wasn't facing Harland anymore. I was facing Colin. And the fighting ensued. Colin's sword had always moved expertly but my sword had always moved just a moment faster. The same applied for today. Just like before when I could see Colin's next move in his chest muscles, I could see his moves in the creases in his shirt today. There was something different today though. Never before had people crowded around to see me and Colin duel but today they did. Today there was a large audience of spectators.

I blocked every blow carefully, and in an effort to finish the duel as quickly as possible, to show my status as incredible, I quickly intervened, slicing the sword up and around his head. He leaned backwards, trying to avoid the blade and swung it down, taking a good hack at his legs. He jumped to dodge it, but unsteady as he was already, he went toppling over with one good side slap of the broad side of the blade along his chest. I dove forwards, eagerly pressing the tip of my sword into the area between his eyes, the death pose. The place where the opponent gives up.

I may be small but I can win a duel. And I had beat Harland in a good two minutes. That was when my painting of Colin's room melted away and the courtyard reassembled its self before my very eyes. My opponent was Harland, not Colin. I couldn't travel back in time to that day in Colin's room. I was stuck in the now.

It's nice to see I still had it in me, though, and that Harland was now gazing up at me, baffled and admiring.

"What can I say?" I asked, without moving. "I'm a natural." And then I helped my dog master to his feet, pulling him up by his hand.

Aunnaleen rushed over, cheering, and blabbering. She hugged me and jumped up and down. A bunch of other people crowded around us. Over the tops of their heads I caught the form of Lydia, leaning against the frame of the door that led back inside headquarters, shaking her head, a smirk on her face. Maybe I wasn't the only one who would be gloating to Harland today.


	10. Chapter 9: Right Here

"I'm alive!" I panted once I was safely outside of headquarters. "I never thought puppies could be so annoying!"

"They're cute but they're heathens," Lydia laughed, wrapping her arm around my shoulders. Harland didn't respond. "You did really great back there. Really put Harland in his place," she added in a whisper, putting her lips against my ear.

"Really?" I asked in a normal voice. If Harland was listening it could go with her first statement.

"They're going to be some change," she murmured and then pressed her lips to my forehead.

Harland didn't really do much the whole time we were on patrol. He still did he job, but he didn't talk and joke around like he usually did. However, I did catch him gazing at me a couple of time, a look of almost confusion in his eyes.

At four Lydia called it early; her husband was in town for the night. We waved goodbye to her.

Carefully I turned to Harland, not really sure what to expect. He was looking ahead, into the distance, frustration on his face.

"Come with me. There's something we need to check out," he said all of a sudden, walking forward. "Where are we going," I asked, having to almost run to keep up with him. He was more than six feet tall and barely three inches over five. Reckon I wasn't that short for a girl, but when I was trying to keep up with someone who has three feet of leg, it is difficult.

"This place in southern Corus. There's…activity there."

"Activity?" that wasn't a term I'm familiar with.

"Scandals. I want to find prove that what I think is true is."

"Why can't we do it with Lydia around?"

"Because," he said almost dismissively, never breaking his gaze.

"Because why?"

"Because she wouldn't want to believe it's real." There was a desperation to his voice now. A longing. We were silent after that.

There were actually trees where he decided to stop. They lined the empty road, coddling the houses. They were ramshackle, inhabited but by the very obviously poor. We came to a particular house that seemed abandoned. A broken window poorly boarded up from the inside. There was a water barrel with a lid on the right side, nothing that I could see on the left.

"You check the right, I take the left," he said shortly, disappearing immediately. Had I done something to anger him? I knew I had a temper so I was going to interpret his words as solidity, trying to make sure I knew there was a security matter at hand.

The first thing I checked was the barrel, quietly lifting the lid. There was nothing but black water inside. Curiously I grabbed a stick from the ground, fallen from the trees, poking it into the blackness. Nothing. I moved forwards, my eyes scanning the trees. No movement. Not even the birds. I came around the back to find Harland leaning against the wall, gazing up at the sky. White with cloud as it was. When he heard me he looked over, not quite moving his head, just his eyes.

"Nothing," I whispered.

"Good. Come on," he threw himself forwards. "Let's check inside."

"Okay."

When we got to the front, he began moving with extreme grace, trying not to make a sound. He hand went carefully to the doorknob, his ear pressed to the door with care. He pushed it open a few inches and peered in. Finding nothing of trouble, I assumed, he let he fall the rest of the way open. T

he room was empty. There was nothing else. Just the one room and it was entirely empty. Not even a broken chair. I walked in, peering around. He shut the door behind me. When I looked over to find him, his body was right next to mine. I took the two steps back to be pressed against the wall. Harland moved in step with me, stopping about four inches away.

"You know the fight?" I nodded. "I didn't think you could do it." Of course he didn't. He was Harland. "I was wrong." His eyes were judging. But not judging me. He wasn't even looking at me.

"What's this about?"

"When's you're birthday?" His eyes snapped to mine instantaneously. His expression torn.

"June 6. Why?"

"You're strong enough. Hit me if you don't want this," and he kissed me.

Taking the step forward so he was pressed against me, his hands sliding around my chest, holding me against the wall, he vigorously pressed his lips against mine. Did I kiss him back?

Of course.

This was the moment that had never left the edge of my thoughts since the day I met him. It was the moment I had never believed possible, but I had dreamt of many nights in a row. When I wasn't dreaming of the castle I was dreaming of Harland and this moment. This was the moment every girl puppy and unmarried female dog had dreams of, one boy puppy too. This moment had crossed my mind over and over when his hands had slithered up my stomach the day he was nursing my cut. It had crossed my mind when was carrying me half naked through the streets of Corus. It had even crossed my mind during time when it shouldn't have, like whenever he would pull me out of the line of fire during a chancy battle on the streets, or when he would protectively push me behind his back when we came across drunken rats, or even the time he was holding me back from losing my temper on a particularly nasty man (it was the thought of this moment that made me calm down). So of course I kissed him back.

Of course.

Why wouldn't I? So what he was five years my senior? My father was ten years older than my mother. So what he was the most available and desirable man in the Provost's Guard and I would likely have competition? There was no guarantees that this would ever make it out of this house alive. So what I was raised a "lady" and shouldn't be kissing men I wouldn't marry? I wasn't living the life of a lady. So what my father would die if he ever found out? I wasn't exactly on the best terms with my father as was; we differed in opinion. So what reason did I have not to kiss him? What motivation did I possess to resist? He was a very sweet person, he was kind to me, caring, he had only ever tried to protect me, and he was the most beautiful man I had ever met. Of course I was going to kiss him.

Of course.

And what a great kiss it was. It's not like I had much to compare it to. The only other man that had kissed me was my father and peck on the forehead doesn't count. But still, it was very nice in my opinion.

His lips were soft, reminding me of plushy satin, his mouth was warm, and….wet and his lips moved with a fervor that screamed that he was worried this wouldn't last, like was trying to fit a ton of moments into one. The kiss made the hair on the back of my neck stand up and my face get hot. Not in a bad way, in a good way. A very good way. But then he was pulling away. I didn't want him to stop but I had to respect his wishes. I didn't want him to drop me as his apprentice because of this. He didn't put me down, just pulled away. I took heavy breaths.

"Are you upset?" he breathed, his voice not even a whisper.

"In no way." Honestly.

"Good," and he rested his head against shoulder. We stayed that way for a long time. Rain on the window pane, light no longer in existence broke the silence.

"There was no scandal was there?"

"There was," he said a smile in his voice.

"Wa?"

"I said there were scandals and that I need to prove what I think is true is. The scandals were me and you. What I thought was true was that I this was what I wanted. And what you wanted too." His hand touched my cheek carefully.

"For how long did you think you wanted this?" I asked, curiosity itching me.

"Well, it crossed my mind the day I met you. You were so adorable and wild. You seemed so young though. So small. All it took was the next day to realize age is hardly of the essence with people now a days. You nearly killed that man. No child could be that vicious. And it surprised me the way I cared so much about you, the fact that I felt like you were dying at my finger tips." I leaned forward and kissed his forehead. My legs were now wrapped around his chest, my arms on his neck. It was a perfect fit. "As the days went by I noticed how little of a child you actually were. There was so much maturity in you. You could handle intense situations, pain, and hardship better than many grown men I know. You still laughed at my jokes like every other person, but not in a way that suggested a childlike amusement. Innocence. That you did have though. It was precisely that innocence that convinced me I was being foolish. You make be a little brute in your own way but you were still pure and clean. You hadn't killed anyone and you believe such honest causes. You didn't hate anyone in particular. I can sense a strong resentment in you towards your family from the way you act when ever some mentions the "f" word but it wasn't hate. Just an urgent dislike. Whatever it was I didn't feel the need to press the subject with you. I'm not that demanding. Everyone has their secrets. What really bothered me, though, was that you were so set on a sword fight. You liked to duel you said, and you were great at it. There was a flare that sprung up in me to accept your challenge right away, but I didn't want to do anything rash. Anything that could harm our relationship. I didn't want to lose you as my puppy. But I knew it had to happen and I knew that it would come with great change. This morning when I woke up I knew it had to be today. I had waited long enough and love was in the air. Today was the day that I had to find out. Today was the day that I had to set in stone my feelings. And find out yours." The last part he added in a whisper.

"I think you can guess mine," I whispered and kissed him. He kissed back. My whole body was sent into a fit of urgent tingling sensations. It was magical.

"I think I can too."

"So where does this leave us?" I breathed.

"Right here." And he kissed me again.

"I mean tomorrow. And the next day." Was this just for now? Would he have someone older tomorrow?

"Right here." And he kissed me again.

"So I take it we're right here." I kissed him that time.

"No. We're right here." The kiss was deeper, stronger, and acquainted with more body groping than the others.

I liked it right here.

I liked it a little bit too much.


	11. Chapter 10: You're Glowing

**Sorry this took so long to upload guys! I had finals! Okay. Here's the long awaited chapter. Don't worry. Things pick up soon.**

**A/N: I don't own any of Tamora Pierce's characters or landmarks or things or aspects. **

My mother actually asked this morning why I was in such a good mood.

"Why you're glowing," she said in a faint voice. "What's got you up?"

I looked down. What was going to tell her? I had kissed a 20 year-old man last night who I had all intention of kissing again today if I got my way? That this 20 year-old man was responsible for teaching me how to beat and imprison criminals? That I had intentionally kept this 20 year-old man and my crime fighting job a secret from her? I didn't think that would make her happy.

"I've just got to spend some time doing what I love to do yesterday. That's all." I smiled at her and gave her a hug. Regardless of how much I resented my parents for putting me here, I still loved them. They were good people and only wanted me not to be killed.

Not that I was doing a very a good job at embracing that protection.

"You want breakfast, dear?" she asked.

"Yes, please." She smiled to herself. She liked it when I was in a good mood. I ate when I was in a good mood whereas when I was in a bad mood I didn't eat.

My brother popped into the kitchen when he smelled food. He was eleven years old so he was still small. He wasn't short for his age, pretty normal, standing at about my nose. He had my mother's light brown hair, my father's soft hazel eyes, and smooth creamy skin. When he smiled the entire room smiled, reflecting his mood. And when he frowned, the entire room frowned because if Taylor was frowning then something was truly wrong.

He found something good in everything he did though, whether what he was doing was boring or fun, he still pulled the excitement in it to the surface. He was the happiest boy in all of the Lower City, even with the circumstances. He was the person that had made me get up every day that first month and not scream and yell constantly. He was the person that made everything alright when there was nothing left that was okay.

I wrapped my arms around him, wanting to let him know I loved him unbelievably. He was probably the person in this house that I cared most for.

I loved my parents but I still held my grudges against them, and I had lost all respect for my sister when she had decided the way she would spend her days was turning herself into a skeleton. I don't think she had left her bed at all since we arrived. I wondered if she even knew how to walk after all this time.

"Kaneen," Taylor said in a confused voice, "What are you doing?"

"Showing you how much I appreciate your smile. It's that smile that makes me want to smile too," I said releasing him. He was a sweet boy but all the love and affection was weird to him.

"Whatever," he rolled his eyes at me, but he was smiling.

I had a very nice breakfast with my family. We talked and laughed and ate together. Not my father or my sister, they were both absent, but with my mother and my brother.

My mother was a very beautiful woman for the age she claimed to be. She had deep, sparkling brown eyes, thick and long light brown hair she kept pinned at the top of her head, and my brother's smooth creamy skin. She sported no grays and no wrinkles, and she was of large frame. Her bones were heavy, not her actual body; she was thin. Her movements were graceful and she appeared only 29 or 30, not 36 like she told us she was. She always told us she was 17 when she had Allicyn, and Allicyn was 19, so that would make her 36, but she really didn't look it. However, if she was actually 29 then would have made her 10 when Allicyn was born.

"Are you sure you want to go out today?" my mother asked in quiet voice when was getting ready to go.

"Well, Mother, I'm helping Aunnaleen stitch a quilt for her brother's wedding. His betrothed, Kyla, is the sweetest girl. Always helping out at the infirmary down at headquarters, and the orphanage. She's the nicest girl in the Lower City," I said, realizing I was babbling and then realizing I had said headquarters.

"Headquarters?" she raised her petite eye brows.

"Um…yeah. Aunnaleen's brother works there as a member of the Provost's Guard. It's the place where they keep the paperwork and where they train the newbies." I nodded trying to act like I didn't really know anything. I could put on a show if I tried; I hoped I was doing that now. I could really feel my face.

"Oh," she said and turned back to her dishes. "Alright then. I see you tonight."

"Thanks mother and I did enjoy breakfast. It was nice change," I hugged her and ran out the door into a spring shower. I was drenched when I got to headquarters.

After changing quickly I went off to find Harland and Lydia.

"Kaneen," the boy sitting at the desk called to me.

"Yes?" I walked over him.

"Sir Harland left a note for you," he handed it to me.

My heart thundered and I was thinking the worst things. What if he didn't want me? What if I was mistaken? What if yesterday was all a hoax? I couldn't take that…

"Thanks Michael," I nodded to him and moved away to read it.

_Lydia is staying at home today to be with her husband. He has fallen ill. Meet me on Gerund Ave. just south of headquarters. I'm getting a head start. And no, last night _did _mean something to me. _

_Harland_

Of course I took off into the rain running, desperate to find the man that had me in this blissful mood. My body was soaked by the time I got to Gerund Ave. I had no idea where he would be so I just kept on running. I ran until sudden hands grabbed me from a side alley. They wrenched me to them and into their arms. They pushed me up onto the brick wall and made way for the lips that crushed mine.

"I found you," I murmured beneath his lips.

He cracked up into peals of laughter. He set me down, wrapping his arms around his stomach, laughing and laughing.

"Are you done?" I asked after a while.

He laughed a few more times, wiped his eyes, and then said, straightening up, "yes."

"So what are we doing today?" I asked, not really caring much for work.

"Why don't we play hooky today?" he suggested, wrapping his arms around my waist.

I smiled. "Why not?"

* * *

It was dark when I got home. I felt so warm, so light. Everything was perfect. It didn't matter anymore that I wasn't at the castle. It didn't matter anymore that I had lost everything that I had ever wanted. I had Harland and that was all I needed.

Today was great. Harland had taken me riding. He was impressed at my riding skills, but not shocked. We rode out of the city and towards the coast. About halfway there we went up the mountains and he took me to a magnificent waterfall. After he showed me the caves behind them we ended up back at his house. He made me an evening meal and we talked. However, we also kissed. A lot.

Now, walking into my house feeling like a new person, I wanted to sing. And, as I came into the living room, I was. I sang quietly to myself a song my mother used to sing to me when I was little.

"Something's wrong with our daughter!" my father yelled. "She's singing and smiling!"

"I know," my mother said, twirling in, her hands wrapped around a bowl of flour. "It's wonderful, isn't it?"

"Yeah. Sure," my father scoffed and eyed me while my mother beamed.

I shook my head at them and walked off to my bed. I wasn't in the mood to take 20 year old boys with them right now. Or ever for that matter. Hell, if Harland and I got married tomorrow I wouldn't tell them. Maybe in twenty years when I was grown and living far away from them in a letter that came with now return address. Maybe then.

Now? No. Not now.

* * *

"Do we tell Lydia?" I asked Harland as I changed. He was standing outside the stall I was in, pretending to be straitening up the room.

"Do you want to tell her?" he asked, quietly.

I poked my head out the sheet door. I didn't have a shirt on at the moment. "I don't think she'd approve," I said quietly.

"I don't think so either. She's very strict about work relationships. She considers herself more of a mother than a friend to you, and I think she expects me to reflect on you like a father," he made a face. I laughed out loud, pulling back into the stall.

"Then we don't need to tell her," I yanked my shirt over my head and then stepped out.

"Isn't that sneaking though?" he asked, his hand brushing my cheek.

"It's not sneaking if you're just simply not telling her. We don't need to make out in the shadows when she's not looking. We can keep it professional. Or at least I can," I whispered when his lips found themselves on my neck. He got very involved with my neck but I saw that people were approaching the changing room, not through my eyes but in my head. I couldn't explain how, but I could see it. The picture was gone as soon as it came.

"People approaching. I have to go," I murmured and twirled out of his grasp.

And sure enough, when I walked out two puppies walked in. How did I see that? My eyes had been focused on the ceiling, not the door! And it had been closed. Oh well. Just a sixth sense probably. I built I could just feel them coming and assumed I saw.

Maybe not though.


	12. Chapter 11: Telling Aunnaleen

Breathe, I told myself. Breathe.

It had been three weeks. And a very hard three weeks at that. It seemed like Lydia was always watching us! Waiting for us to slip up on our façade. It seemed like she was breathing down my neck, her eyes watching for Harland's lips to touch the flesh beneath my chin.

He never did though. Not when she was looking at least. We weren't sneaking around, we were just keeping the work place professional. Were Lydia to outright ask if anything was going on between me and Harland I would nod and say, "Yes."

You could see us out on the town all the time. He took me to eating houses, shows, and pubs. We stayed at his house a lot too, but we didn't just sit around all time. We didn't stay locked away. We were public. We just didn't tell anyone at Headquarters.

I was lying in Harland's bed one evening, don't worry, nothing was done there besides kissing, thinking about my life. Aunnaleen kept coming to mind I didn't want to keep this from her for much longer.

"Harland," I murmured as he came over with a bowl of noodles.

"Yes?" he looked up, his eyes playful and childlike. I smiled at that.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Certainly," he nodded, putting the noodles aside and crawling over the bed to sit by me. I stared at the ceiling, thinking about what I was doing.

I took a deep breath. It had to be done. "I really want to tell my friend about us. Aunnaleen. She's a puppy, but she wouldn't say anything to Lydia or anyone," what was I doing?

He laughed like I had told a very funny joke. "I'm not your master. If you remember _you _beat _me_ in that fight. If anything that makes you dominant. Not that I'm giving you that honor or anything," he said winking.

"I can be dominating," I argued. Just because I was small didn't mean he had to mock me.

"Trust me," he laughed, "I know." I showed him though, pinning him to the bed, crushing his lips with mine.

* * *

"Aunnaleen!" I said in a high whisper, standing in the shadows behind her. She was waiting to turn in her paper work for the day.

"Yeah?" she asked after turning around assuring it was me.

"I need to talk to you," my voice low.

"Okay. One moment," and she turned in her paper work. "Alright," she said, walking with me out the door. "Where are we going?"

"Somewhere private. I need to tell you something."

"Ooh! Is it a secret?" she asked, her whisper a little too loud.

I covered her mouth. "Yes! Now keep your voice down." She nodded and I lowered my hand.

When we got to Gerund's, my favorite eating house, we took a seat at my usual table. It was weird to have her sitting there with me. I had always come here alone so it was a change. The room had gotten dark so the table lamps were lit.

Conner came over, smiling. He was excited to see me apparently. Maybe that was because I hadn't come here since Harland had been courting me.

"Can I get you ladies anything?" he asked. "Hey Kaneen. Haven't seen you here in while."

"I've been busy," I said with a smile and a shrug. And then we told him what we wanted.

"So," Aunnaleen said after he had left. "What's the secret?"

"Okay, I'll tell you, but you have to promise not tell anyone. I don't care if you hate me, I just don't want the word spread." I glanced around to make sure I didn't know anyone in the room.

"Relax. I won't tell anyone. I just want to know."

"Okay. Well," I looked at my hands. "I'm am, kind of, sort of, in a way, being courted."

"Oooh!" she said in a shrieking whisper. "By who?"

"Um…Harland?"

"Mithros! No?"

"Yes," I said, keeping my eyes down.

"And you thought I'd be mad?" her voice was suddenly very different.

"Well," I met her eyes, "I've kept it a secret for almost a month now. I thought you might be mad I didn't tell you. Also I know some people who would be made at me for courting the man who they wanted to court," I looked away again.

"You're ridiculous you know that right? I'm not mad! I'm happy for you. And I can see why you kept it a secret. Wait, does Lydia know?"

I let out a huge gush of air. "No."

"You really are keeping it a secret."

"Well, if Lydia asked I wouldn't lie, but there's no need to tell her. She likes to keep things…professional. And this really is not professional."

She laughed. "No. I guess it isn't."

"So, you're not mad?"

"No."

"And you don't hate me?"

"No."

"Good," and I smiled hugely.

"But," her voice was climatic. "You need to tell me all about!"

I rolled my eyes but asked, "What's to know?"

"Do you kiss?"

"Yes."

"How much?"

I blushed. "A lot."

"Yes! How is it?" her eyes were wicked.

"Aunnaleen!" I scolded.

"What? You kept it a secret. You owe me this much!"

"Fine. It's…good."

"Just good?"

"What are you?"

"Curious. What are _you_?"

"Not telling you that," I folded my arms. Just then the food came so she had to wait until Conner left to start up again.

"Please? Just tell me! He's the most attractive man in the guard! I just want to know!" she pushed out a pleading lip.

It was too adorable to resist. "Fine. It's great. It makes my head spin and I feel completely happy for the first time in a very long time. He makes my life worth living for now."

"Have you, you know, lain together?"

"Of course not! What do you think I am?"

"The girl being courted by the guard's most attractive and, before now, most available man. Are you telling me that you haven't even thought about it?"

"No," I said sternly. But now I am, I added to myself.

She rolled her eyes but otherwise dropped the subject. It felt great to have her know, I realized at the end of the day. I didn't feel like I was hiding my whole life from her now. There was actually something about me that she did know. Reckon I was still keeping the biggest secret from her, from everyone, but at least she knew what I did with my time now. I didn't feel completely horrible anymore.

In fact, I was really happy.


	13. Chapter 12: Happy Birthday

**A/N: I own nothing. Well, technically I own the characters I have created but you know what I mean.**

**Here's a link to pictures of the characters. **

**http: // s610. photobucket**

**.com/albums/tt188/berr_holl/Gold%20and%20Red%20Makes%20Orange**

**you gotta put the link together to go to it. **

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**I hope you enjoy. **

June came quickly. As did my birthday. Harland seemed exuberant about it. He wanted it to be special he kept on saying.

I asked him not to do anything, that just being there would be enough but he put a finger over my lips and said that I was turning fifteen, that I was becoming a woman in Lower City standards, and that I was going to be patient and enjoy every minute of it.

And then he kissed me, deeply, and all of my prior annoyances were forgotten. June first came all too quickly and it seemed June sixth would be there before I could say, "Harland, no frills." But of course I knew there would be frills and that I could do nothing to stop it.

The night of the fifth it seemed like Harland was getting a little carried away, not that I was opposed. His kisses ran down my neck, over the exposed skin on my chest and to my stomach. He pushed my shirt up to my breast band and then kissed it over and over. It was a while before I realized what he was doing; he was kissing every scar on my abdomen.

I wondered if they really bothered him. They were just scars. And they were my fault. After the first time my blood was drawn Colin had been bent against continuing. It was my stubbornness that had made him continue. Better him than his friends because if I was fighting with him then he would be there to help me when I got hurt.

I looked down at the scars. They were just white lines…they weren't even very pronounced. Only a few were raised; I had a knack of not only healing abnormally quickly but of the ever lasting effects being less than they should. My scars would all almost disappear unless the cut was really bad.

"It's okay," I murmured, my hand touching his forehead.

He looked up at me.

"No, it's not. The girl I love has scars all over her body. That means she was hurt that many times," he said. My heart skipped a beat and I only heard part of what he said.

"You love me?" I asked quietly, a deep hope filling my chest. He had mention love before. When he was telling me about how long he had felt for me. He had said that there was love in the air, but that didn't mean that he loved me. That didn't mean that he loved me. Love had just been in the air.

"Yes. Yes I do," his voice was quietly and syrupy. He raised himself so that his face was over mine. His hands were under my shirt, one resting on each side of my breast band.

"Show me," I whispered my voice pretty much inaudible.

"Hmm," he murmured as his lips touched mine. "Maybe…"

"Maybe?"

"Later," and I forgot my request for the next while.

"Happy Birthday!" Taylor screamed in my ear. I jumped out of my bed startled. When I realized who it was I went off on him.

"What are you doing yelling at me that way? What if I thought there was actual danger? What if I had hurt you? It's not like I don't have we-water by my bed! It could have spilt it all over everything!" that was close. I had almost let my temper give away everything. I couldn't let my parents know I slept with two knives and a baton.

"Ah shut your mouth! Mother's in the kitchen waiting for you!" he screamed again and danced off.

"Why?" I muttered and hurried to get dressed.

I pulled my night dress off. Carefully I put on a clean loin cloth and strapped my breast band to my body. I pulled a shift of, my nicest gown, and my stockings. I pulled my boots on, sliding one knife into my right left book, and then slid the other up my right sleeve. I fastened my baton to my belt under my dress, dropped my skirt, and headed for the kitchen. I knew it would be hard to make my mother let me go out today, but I would find a way.

"Happy Birthday," my mother said, pulling me down to sit at the table. She placed a plate of food before me, and said, "Eat up. Your brother wants to eat the cake soon."

I ate quickly. I wanted out of the house as soon as possible. I had to get to work. Just because fifteen years ago I came in to this work doesn't mean I get to skip training.

To no one's surprise, my sister didn't get up. I hadn't seen her in months. I wondered sometimes if she was still alive.

"What do you mean you want to go out today?" my mother whined.

"I want to go see my friends. They have something planned."

"But it's your birthday."

"Exactly. You should let me do what I want, because it's my birthday," she wasn't going to win this.

"I guess you're right. I just miss you sometimes," she said, her eyes sad.

"I miss you too, Mother," I lied. I didn't miss my family when I was away. I loved them, but when I was home I wasn't happy. My time around my family was placed away in the back of my mind when I was away. It made me cry sometimes to be at home. Lying in my bed I would sob and sob. My mother would think that it was because of my friends. She never knew it was because of her and my father.

"Have fun," she said as I ran out. I nodded when I got to the end of the walkway. "If I don't come home I'm at Aunnaleen's!" I called and then took off down the street.

When I got to headquarters I changed as usual. With my baton strapped to my belt and my hair in its braid with the spike in it I headed out into the main room. Waiting there, were Harland and Lydia.

They were smiling. "Happy Birthday," Harland said, catching me up in a hug. No one was able to see his lips run across my cheek as he pulled me to him.

I smiled back at him as he put me down.

"Geez Harland," I teased, my eyes wild. He just grinned at me.

"Happy Birthday, Sweetie," Lydia smiled, hugging me as well.

"North side or south side today?" I asked my mind hours ahead of me. We walked out the doors at a slow gaunter.

"Neither," Lydia laughed. "We're going to skip work today."

"Skip it?" I asked, cocking an eyebrow.

Harland laughed. "Yep," she said.

"Well then what are we going to do?"

My two dog masters exchange conspiring glances and then grinned.

"A lot," Harland said and grabbed my hand.

"Where are you taking me?" I asked Harland as he led me down the street, one hand on my back, the other over my eyes.

"It's a surprise," he said.

"I don't really like surprises you know."

"I know, but you might like this one."

I rolled my eyes behind his fingers and let him lead me.

About five minutes later he swept me up into his arms, and carried me to a door. I still couldn't see but I could feel him unlocking the door.

And then he was kissing me.

I couldn't feel anything but his lips. The word around me disappeared and the only two people that existed were me and him.

"It's your room," I gasped when he laid me down on the bed.

"Mmmmhhhmmmm," he was preoccupied.

"Are we going to….?"

"If you want to," he was still distracted.

"You're allowing it?"

"It's your birthday," he was finally attentive. "I'm allowing anything."

"Really?"

He looked into my eyes, amused. "Are you going to spend all night asking questions?"

I gave it a thought. Did I want this? I had bothered him about it twice before but he had been adamant. He was still convinced I'm a child. Why the change? It was my birthday. I was now of a socially okay marrying age in the Lower City. Why was he so obsessed with my age? I wasn't a little girl. I wasn't that short, only five feet flat. My face wasn't really a child's face. Yes I had dimples and golden hair, which may have made me look innocent, but I wasn't a child.

He didn't seem to be paying cares to his delusions of me be a child right now and I was going to embrace that. This was my chance to finally prove to him that was a little girl.

That I was a woman.

And thus I became one.


	14. Chapter 13: Should Have

**A/N: Okay guys, I have SATs this Saturday. It might be a while before I get to post again, but don't forget me. I will be back!**

I woke up with a start. I flipped up into the sitting position. Where was I?

I looked to my right and saw Harland. Everything from last night came flooding back.

I smiled. That was a pleasant memory.

"Harland," I murmured into his ear.

"Hrggg…." Was what what he said sounded like as he pushed his face into the pillow.

"Harland," I said again, lowering my voice.

"Yes?" He asked as his arms suddenly lashed out, snaking around my body, pulling me to him.

"You're awake!"

"I am. Now," his lips touched my neck.

"So," I started but he didn't give me a chance to finish. His lips moved over my mouth.

"Does that mean you don't take last night back?"I asked when he freed me.

He laughed and rolled over so he was on top of me.

"I may be blessed by the gods to be able to do that with you, but I'm only human," he said, his eyes somewhere between mocking and serious.

"Still, you're always so bent on age…"

"I'm over it."

"Really?"

"Yes. Now, I hate repeating myself, but are you going to spend all morning asking questions? We have to leave in an hour. Why don't we make the best of the time that we have?" but he didn't need to say everything. He had me at "yes."

The days passed and we spent every evening after we broke apart from Lydia in his bed. It all seemed so perfect. Everything clicked. I was happier and happier as the days went by and Harland seemed to have more and more energy.

Together we made quite the team out on the city. It seemed that something had been awakened in me. I could see things from directions I could not see sometimes. Id catch glimpses of what was behind me, or down the alleyway. My mind pinpointed the criminals before I could see them.

And then Harland would do the fighting. He would fight relentlessly. They could be 15 busts in a day and he would never tire.

Lydia would do her trick of finding a name for whomever it was by just what was in his purse and then cart him away single handedly to pound while me and Harland kissed in an alley with the pretense that we were searching from more rats.

The days never seemed too long, always too short. The tedious moments were only a tribute to the more exciting ones. While I would find myself wanting to be alone with Harland when we were with Lydia, the moments spent with Lydia were not painful.

She held a motherly significance to me. I didn't really hold much respect for my own mother so I let Lydia step in and take the position. I let her ninny at me, knowing I would only defy her word later. I didn't take her for granted though. She was still above me in status, I knew when to listen. Even though if I had my way I'd always be the dominant being, with Lydia I knew I had to act submissive.

She gave me a lot more credit that I deserved, opened a lot of doors for me that should be closed, and treated me with the grace and affection of a daughter.

In the morning she would hug me and tell me what a great person I was. And she would buy my midday meal on the days that we stopped and had one. She took my uniform home and washed it for me, and filed my paperwork so I didn't have to. Everything that I wished I had a mother for she was and did.

Sometimes I would think that I had to be adopted. There was no way that I and anyone in my family were related. I could see no reasoning in my sister's way of lying in her bed and withering away.

My mother didn't seem to connect with me and sometimes looked at me like she was expecting me to burst out screaming or something. She let me go everyday and she never tried to stop me. I could tell by the look on her face that she didn't want me to go but she never lifted her finger or voice to pull me back in. It was almost like she was expecting me to leave at some point. Like she knew there would come a day in which I would want to leave for good. Like my staying at home at all was charity work.

My father didn't seem to care at all about me or my well being. Yes he said he put me in the Lower City in the first place to protect me but whenever I would yell at him, accusing him of destroying my life, and he would yell back, saying that he did this for me, I could sense that there was some underlying meaning to his words. It was almost like there was another reason for him taking me here. Like it had to do with me and the attack but it wasn't about me. Just the way the words, "I'm here for you," sounded when they came out of his mouth were like a lie.

Taylor was the only one I could even fathom being related to. He shared the jubilance I had and a tendency to do the undoable but even him seemed like he came from a different set of parents than me. He spoke with a childlike tone and was always caught up in tomorrow. Now never mattered to him because he was living in what was to come.

I had a little bit more of a groundedness than that. I lived in the now. Tomorrow was unimportant to me because today was great. That was how I thought. I suppose that is why the weeks passed so smoothly and soon June was coming to a close.

I didn't take a breath too look back on things either until long after my face turned blue. In retrospect I wasn't going about things quite how I should, I should be thinking about what would come of my life when my parents decided my sentence to the Lower City was over or when Lydia found out about mine and Harland's relationship. I should have been considering the possibility of being confronted by someone I knew from a past life and how that would alter my course or how I probably should get my anti-fertility pendant checked with a medicine woman just in case but I was thinking only of Harland and passion.

Today was today and tomorrow was tomorrow. I would think about tomorrow when tomorrow came and yesterday, well that was yesterday. I had purposely made sure that I had put yesterday away once it passed because I didn't care much for pining. Reckon I was happy with Harland, I still felt hollow whenever I thought of the palace and Colin.

Life was only what I made it be. Somehow I seemed to be controlling time and my perspective of things. If I didn't want something to happen, it didn't. If I wanted something, I got my way. The entire world was becoming clay in my hands and I didn't think twice about. I should have stopped to think about that, and about how I was seeing things I shouldn't.

I should have stopped to reminisce of what made my heart beat when I saw Harland so much and I should have asked myself why I felt like something pivotal would happen before June ended.

But I was caught up in my own little world where I was with Harland and we were doing nothing but making love.


	15. Chapter 14: Feeling Lonely

**A/N: I own nothing. Okay. Got that over with. So, I told you that I wouldn't have another chapter up until after the SAT's but I snuck back on my computer and wrote due to addiction. Yep. Addicted to writing. That's a good thing for you guys though. **

Patience became a fashion trend. It seemed that time was birthing through at nearly an unspeakable speed. I couldn't tell if it was too fast or too slow. I was leaning toward the former though. It seemed my time with Harland was never enough and I was always leaving.

It was a Tuesday. We were finishing up our rounds when Lydia said out of nowhere, "We need to go back to headquarters today to file some paperwork. Sorry."

Harland groaned under his breath, though, as far as Lydia knew, he had nothing to fill his evenings. So, in effect, he was always available for paperwork. As far as I was concerned that was a complete and utter lie. I bit my tongue though. If I was patient with Lydia and this paperwork now, then I could spend time with Harland later. It was like with a real mother. If I did my chores and tolerated the necessities, i could have my playtime afterwards. If I whined, well, in this case I would still get the playtime. But I'd look like the child I was bent on proving I wasn't.

"Can't we do it tomorrow?" Harland asked, his voice almost whiny.

"Sorry, honey, but we have to do it now," she said in a patronizing voice.

"I don't like your tone of voice," Harland said in a angry father's voice.

"And I don't like that you're whinnying. You shut up and I'll shut up too," she hit him over the head not too hard with her baton.

"Oww," he complained but dropped the subject.

Walking back to headquarters I met Harland's gaze. I suppose there must have been a desire in my eyes because he instantly .shot Lydia an extremely impatient glance. I smiled and whispered quietly, "Patience is a virtue," and skipped past him to walk by Lydia, turning around once to wink at him.

There seemed t o be a bit of commotion at headquarters. No one was running around or anything, but the boys filing the paper work seemed harried. The name Goddard met my ears. Why did that name sound familiar? Why did it inspire recollection in me?

I felt like I should know something about that name that it should mean something to me, but I got nothing. After a few minutes more of contemplation, I gave up and went back to trying to be patient.

When morning came though, I could feel that there was a wrongness in the air. Something didn't seem right. My mind went back to Goddard instantly but to avail. Nothing came to mind.

Upon arriving at Headquarters I thought I discovered the wrongness.

"I'm so sorry, Kaneen," Harland said again.

"You're leaving?" I whined. Yes. Now I would whine.

"I got the scroll this morning, dear. My uncle needs me to come and vouch for his will," his eyes were pleading. We were standing in the changing room. It was quiet in there. No one was listening when we were in there.

"I know. I'm just sad you're going to leave," I pouted.

"Aww, don't be that way. You now I don't want to go," I could tell he was crippling beneath my pout. I didn't want him to go, but I wasn't telling him to stay. I knew he had to go. I'd never ask him to choose between me and family like he would in this situation. I was just playing with him.

I pushed my lip out farther, looking down, making my hands tremble in his.

"Put that lip away," he ordered, pushing it in with his mouth. "I'll be back before you have time to miss me. I promise."

"But I miss you already."

"Seriously, Kaneen. Before you have a chance to sit down and feel the miss, I'll be back. It's only a day," he touched my cheek, kissed my mouth again, and smiled as he walked out the door.

Lydia let me off early, around three. She said that trying to do our job without Harland was like trying to ride in a cart with one wheel missing. We were dragging on the ground. She wasn't really referring to my dropped mood but more to our lower performance without him, but the vague sadness was definitely there. In both of us.

If anything Harland was the life of the group. He was the one that made us laugh and the one that brought the comic relief after the big fight that left us with cuts and bruises. He was addictive, it wasn't hard to miss, so she completely understood the almost, awkward silence among our diminished group.

Let off early though, for me didn't mean break, it meant time to think. I headed over to Gerunds' to pass the time. If anything I could at least have a glass of good wine in a time like this. I was dressed in my dress again, the peasant act resumed. It was like an afternoon of my life so many months ago, when I was merely a puppy. The only difference was now I didn't have any work to fill my mind.

My body felt weak with loneliness as I dropped into the chair of my usual table. It wasn't like I couldn't go without Harland, it was just that when I didn't have someone with me now a day I felt so alone. I had become dependent upon my attachment to Harland. Yes I did love, don't get me wrong, but I'm not sure what bond was stronger, my love for him or his love for me?

His love for me was what enabled me to have a day to day life, was what made me function every morning. It was more important to me at this point than food or sleep. It was my nutrient. An all around supplement for everything.

Today I was alone though. Today he was not here. Today I was sitting at a table in Gerund's and Conner was coming over to me, his eyes alight with a flirtatious flare.

"Afternoon Kaneen!" he was so perky. "Haven't seen you around here in awhile. What brings you?"

"I just wanted to see what had changed around here. Nothing much. Conner you think you could bring me some cider?" anything to numb me.

"Now Kaneen. It's not even four! You think you can do it with apple cider for now?" he was so annoying sometimes.

"Yeah. I guess that's okay," and I nodded him off.

When he came back with the cider I drank it all as soon as he handed it to me and sent him off to get more. I drank at least five large mugs of it before I felt the need to relieve myself.

Just in case I didn't come back I slapped the tab down on the table and ran to the back.

I stood in the wash room feeling estranged from myself. I felt odd. Different. Not like me. Carefully I splashed some water on my face rubbing it with my fingers.

Breathe, Kaneen. Breathe, I told myself and went back out into the eating house. Walking into the busy room from the quiet hallway wasn't a significant act, I did it often enough before, but this time my eyes caught sight of something outside the dirty window: two horses clad in iron armor.

They were tethered the waiting rod, a scrawny boy sitting next to them, watching them like a watch dog. I recognized that type of armor, I would recognize it anywhere. It was the armor that knights dressed their horses in.

My eyes scanned the room quickly, looking for a face that I might recognize, a knight whom maybe I had met before. I began to panic, thinking that no one was here and I had mistaken soldiers' horses for those of knights.

That was when my eyes rested on my special table. They rested on the face of the boy sitting at it, across from I usually sat.

And suddenly, nothing else in the world mattered. I forgot all my cares and every fear and pain I had ever had.


	16. Chapter 15: Lost Love

**A/N: I own nothing!**

**But what you think???**

**I'm bad. I'm here again. Oh well. I love writing! Enjoysss!**

It couldn't be. It couldn't be. It just _couldn't _be! There was no way it could be!

It was.

Sitting at _my_ table was _my_ blonde haired blue eyed angel, _my _best friend.

Sitting at my table was Colin of Carter Hills.

He was dressed in cotton clothing with metal armor sewn to it in all the important places. His hair was ruffled from wearing a helmet, which was on the ground next to him. His boots were worn and his face looked like he hadn't gotten a good six hours of sleep in weeks. His eyes were tired, but they were still the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen. Even though he looked a little worn out, he was still the most marvelous sight my eyes had ever seen.

His mouth still hung at that innocent and playful angle that it did when he was thinking. His mouth was still his mouth. Through wind, ran, sun, and war, whatever else he had been through in the last nine months, his mouth still looked like two soft, pale pink butterfly wings.

He was tanner than he was before and his hands looked like they had seen better days. They were decorated with scars and scabs and looked wrinkled from work.

But he was still Colin.

He was still my Colin.

Why was he here? He said that his knight master liked field work; that usually meant war and fighting, not Lower City traveling. He was here with his knight master, no other reason constituted the other horse. Where was he?

I didn't think about it anymore. I didn't think. My legs moved me forward and suddenly I was standing beside the table.

"Colin," I breathed, emotion over taking me. I missed him so much.

His eyes came up and met mine. The recognition flashed across the immediately, but then he seemed to double take. He blinked and then whispered, "Kaneen."

Tears met my eyes, just two, welling up and brimming over my eyes. I wiped them away with my sleeve.

"What are you doing here?" my voice was still very low.

"Squire stuff," and then he was on his feet, taking me up in his arms, kissing my cheeks and my forehead. He held me in his arms for a while after that. He didn't seem to realize he had never held be that long before, that it was probably a moment too long. Then again, I didn't realize it either.

"Have a seat," he said, the tone changing a little bit.

"Your knight master…" I started.

"Oh, him. It's fine. He's taking care of something a few stores away. He told me it'd be a half an hour and to order him something to eat. I have plenty of time," he grinned, pushing me down by my shoulder.

I smiled. Colin. Colin. It had been so long since I had seen him. It had been an entire nine months. Like a year schooling. I missed him so much. There was an ache in my chest that I couldn't explain. I missed Colin, I had always known that, then why did it feel so tolling right now?

"Smile Kaneen," he said all of sudden.

"Why?" I asked, but smiled anyways.

"Because I haven't seen you smile in such a long time. It feels good to see it," his hand grabbed mine.

"Where have you been?" I asked, my voice crippling. I was the one who left, yes, but still. I felt like he had abandoned me.

"Everywhere except where I wanted to be. War isn't such a great thing you know. Always wondering if you'll make it through that day alive, wondering if you'll seeing your family again. Wondering if I'd see you again. But the rises every day as it did when you aren't alone, pretending that you are at home by someone's side. But then you open your eyes and realize that it's not playtime. You aren't with your friends, you aren't with the people you love. You're in battle, in the barracks of a fort, sleeping your five hours before rising to fight some more. Kaneen, you don't know how hard it was to ride out behind my master's horse everyday thinking that maybe today would be the day I'll die, and that I'd never see you again," his eyes were sparkling, the light I knew so well having returned to them.

They were desperate though. There was some point he wanted me to understand that was hidden behind the films of his irises, something that wasn't coming out right, slipping between the words spouting from his lips.

My heart thundered because I wasn't sure if I was interpreting his words right. I didn't know what they were supposed to mean but I knew what I wanted them to mean. I wanted them to mean maybe, to mean now. I wanted them to mean that he would never leave me again. That I would never cry because I was without him. I wanted them to mean that I meant something to him, something more than a lost childhood playmate.

Colin was always on my mind for the first few months, right there, never leaving my thoughts, always a source of much longing to return to the palace. And with Harland came a distraction. Something that pushed Colin back in my mind. He never left though, he just moved out of the brim of my thoughts. He was Colin. Colin.

Oh Mithros. What was I thinking?

"Kaneen," he breathed. I looked up, letting my contemplations go.

"Colin," I said back.

"What have _you _been doing while I've been gone? You look…more tone," his hand touched my arm beneath my sleeve.

"I became a member of the Provost's Guard, or at least a trainee. I was too good to stay in regular training though, apparently I had too much experience," I glanced up at him. He grinned. "So within three months I was chosen by two members of the Guard to work as their apprentice. I got off early today because one of my masters is in Bellington attending his uncle's will signing and the other thought our team was too broken without him. So I came here."

"Everything's working out just as it should," he murmured, his eyes alight with a new fervor.

"What do you mean?" I asked, leaning forwards.

He met my eyes, smiling a little. "You'll see."

"That's really annoying, you know," I frowned a little bit, but my voice was still soft.

"That's really annoying, you know," he mimicked me, his voice a bad faux falsetto, leaning forwards himself.

"Mithros, I missed you so much," I felt my face crumpling into a sappy look of longing. Nine months…

"Kaneen," he breathed for what seemed the millionth time in the last twenty minutes, "I…"

"Yeah?"

"I…I love you," and he kissed me.

It wasn't a wild kiss that left me panting like the ones I exchanged with Harland, instead it was sweet, subtly, and passionate. There was so much caring and love and longing in it, yet it wasn't an attack. It lasted about ten seconds and when he broke away his eyes were unsure.

"I'm sorry," he said quickly. "I don't mean to upset you. I've been gone so long that that was uncalled for. I had to though. I didn't...before…and now…I…I just…I just never realized it. I realize _now_ what I feel and I realize that that was what I was feeling before and that I was just never in my right mind to identify to feelings. I guess being away so long gave me time to realize it…sorry," he added again.

"Why are you apologizing?" I asked, confused. "What are you apologizing for?"

"Kissing you, telling you I love you when I haven't seen you twenty minutes…"

"Oh, hush," I said, putting a finger over his soft lips. But then I saw something that drew me away from him. I so wanted to stay there at that table forever. There were so many things I wanted to tell him but a picture appeared in my mind.

I saw a knight walking towards the building and I internally groaned. "I have to go. You're knight master is returning."

He went to look towards the door but I put my fingers under his chin, guiding it towards me. I didn't want him to look out the window…I didn't exactly see his knight master with my eyes.

"Goodbye, Kaneen," he said, his hand touching my cheek.

"Goodbye, Colin," had I not been so elated, I would have been crying.

"I'll be seeing you around," and he nodded towards me.

"Wha.." I started but then the door opened and a very tall knight walked in. All I had time to say was, "Promise?"

"I promise," he nodded and I made myself scarce, walking away like I had stopped to ask him a question.

"Who was that?" the knight asked him.

"A sweet woman. She wanted to know if I was a soldier. He betrothed is a soldier and she wanted to know if I had seen him," the lies poured from Colin's lips easily. Maybe because they weren't really lies. But then again he didn't lie all that badly.

"Alright then. Did you order?" and I walked off laughing because I knew he hadn't ordered.

Once in the street it hit me. I would never see Colin again. He had said he'd be seeing me around but that meant nothing. I hadn't seen him for nine months last time and now it would be no different. He had awoken feelings in me that I didn't realize existed but had always been there and now I would never see him again.

Crumpling into a ball in the gutter of an adjacent alley I cried and cried.

I cried for me leaving.

I cried for Colin kissing me.

I cried for me never seeing Colin again.

I cried for cheating on Harland.

I cried for heartbreak.

I cried for lost love.


	17. Chapter 16: Goodbye Us

"So do you want two bronze crowns or three? I don't have time for this," an impatient voice snapped.

"Four."

"I already told you, the most I'll pay is three. Now take the three or I'll go elsewhere."

"Fine. Give me the three," the boy's voice growled.

"Thanks," the voice said back almost smugly.

There was noise in the background: talking, shouting, wheels of a cart moving, dishes clinking, and people walking. I opened my eyes, my body sick, my head spinning, and my neck sore. My eyes didn't want to open, but they did anyways.

Before me, at a wrong angle, was the market of Corus' lower city.

Mithros, no. I sat up, every part of my body aching, and took in my surroundings. I was in the alleyway I collapsed in. That had been afternoon; it was now morning. I had fallen asleep in the street and not gone home. Hmm…I felt guilt for worrying my mother, but I felt no longing or fear for having slept in the street. I could handle myself…but why no longing? Did I really resent home that much?

I put that out of mind and stumbled to my feet.

Where was I going to go? Not home. For sure, not home. To work I guess.

Grudgingly and painfully, I pulled myself to my feet and walked to headquarters. When I got there I still had a half an hour so I went over to the bathing house and slipped into one of the tubs. Sleeping in the gutter isn't exactly the best for beauty purposes.

Clean and in my uniform, I skipped over to Lydia. Normally I went to Harland but today I didn't really want to be around him. The guilt was festering in my chest and I didn't know how I was going to deal with it. I couldn't face him now, that was for sure.

"Alright pup," Lydia said, putting her hands on her hips. "I know you want to do field work today, but me and Harland here have some things that we have to take care of beforehand. Do you think you can entertain yourself for an hour or so?"

I started to frown but then realized it the best I was going to get in way of avoiding Harland.

"Certainly," I nodded and headed the other way. I waited over by the doors to the court, watching the puppies brawl. They were so hyper and happy with their batons, swinging to bruise but hardly getting that.

"Quite a sight, isn't it?" a very familiar voice asked. I whipped around. There stood Colin in all his cotton armor clad glory, gazing out into the courtyard.

"Colin?" I gasped loudly.

"Oh, hey Kaneen!" he said in a teasing voice, making it clear he knew I was there but was pretending that he didn't.

"Wha…wha…what are you doing here?" how could he be? How? I had spent all of yesterday evening in the alleyway off of the very southern end of Gerund Avenue thinking I'd never see him again and here he was looking as beautiful as ever. There was so much of a healthier look to area around his eyes. He had slept last night. He looked more relaxed and happier, just the way his eyes glowed.

"I told you I'd be seeing you around. My knight master, Leon of Goddard, is taking up a position that involves regular interaction with the Provost's Guard. There's not really much for me to do. It's all his thing. But I'm here…I told you I would see you again," he reached out and touched the circles beneath my eyes. "How did you sleep?"

"Painfully. But that's not of the essence. You'll be here?" my entire world was piecing its self back together after its fall apart last night.

"All the time. I'll be around so much you'll get sick of me!" he grinned.

"I doubt that. How many days a week?"

"Six."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"How many hours a day?"

"From 8 to 12."

"I get to see you again…" I trailed off, my voice faint, my mind drifting. I'd get to see him again. Almost every day. He was going to be a part of my life again. Colin was back. Colin was back.

The castle meant nothing at that point.

I had Colin.

He looked over his shoulder really quickly and then leaned down and kissed me. I felt the same raging passion I had felt before and the same intrigue. This was so perfect…

"This…" I started when he released me.

"Only if you want it too. I can be your best friend instead…or whatever pleases you," his eyes trailed away.

"I like this. I just have to clear things up first before it can be," I looked away. This was going to be so hard.

"Take your time," he brushed my hand carefully.

"Be here tomorrow?"

"Absolutely."

"It'll be fixed by then," and I pecked him on the cheek and pulled him away from the window to show him around.

* * *

"What's wrong?" Harland asked once Lydia was out of eye sight. "You've been weird all day."

"Well, um, we need to talk," I kept my eyes on the ground.

"Sure thing. Where do you want to go?" he asked.

"Um…a quiet restaurant?"

"Alright," and we began walking.

Sitting at the table was much scarier than standing in the street. Now I had to tell him. Now I had to do it.

"So what do you want to talk about?" I felt panicky. My whole body was shaking slightly.

"Well, I was wanting to discuss us…I…I…I think that we should…break up? I love you; don't forget that, I just, I think it's for the best. I recently was reacquainted with one of my old friends and I've come to question myself and what I'm doing with my life. I'm starting to make some changes and…I just-" my hyperventilating panic was cut off by a finger over my lips. I really wanted him to understand, I felt like I was almost commanding him in my words but I knew he would probably be crushed.

"Kaneen," his voice was almost disapproving.

"Yeah?" I mumbled behind his finger.

"Quiet." I nodded. "I understand…believe me, I do. I was once in that situation before and so I get it. It's a scary thing and you're in this really young. I want you to believe that."

"Really?" I asked when he released my mouth.

"Yes," and he wrapped his arms around me because I had begun to cry. This was all so hard…

It was a while later and my eyes still hurt from crying but the tears were dried. We were walking in the streets the cold of the night not bothering me.

"So, is this friend…" he trailed off.

"What about my friend?" I looked up.

"You're friend. Are you two, or were you, ever, courting?"

"No! We were never courting. He was just my best friend. As for right now, he's my best friend too but I don't know. Thank you so much for being understanding. Believe me, I never wanted to hurt you," I looked down.

"I believe you, believe _me_. I love you and I want you to be happy and comfortable with yourself. I don't want anything to be weird between us either. I still want to be your Dog Master. Is that all right?"

"Of course! I still want you to be too! I probably don't deserve it but I want it. I don't not like you, I love you, but, I just need to end it for now."

"Good. I love you, Kaneen. Remember that. If you ever want me back I'm here, but I don't want you to do anything you don't want to. I want the best for you and I'm going to treat you like a gentleman here. After all, I did take your virginity when you're just fifteen. I'm owe you this much," he brushed my cheek.

"For the record, I regret nothing I've done with you. I'm very content with my life actually when I look back on what _I've _done," I tried not to stress I've too much. Some things about my family though, it was impossible to ignore.

"I'm grateful for that. Goodbye, Kaneen."

The way he said it was like I might not see him again even though I knew I would see him tomorrow. I understood what he meant though. This was goodbye for us. Not goodbye forever, just goodbye for us.

"Goodbye, Santiago," I murmured, saying his first and real name like I had always wanted to do.

He didn't even make a face.


	18. Chapter 17: Worth It

**A/N: I don't own anything. AND! This is the longest chapter EVER!!! 2276 words!!! Okay. I'm going back to bed-woke up in the middle of the night, 2:20, and felt like writing. Its 3:30 now though so I'm going back to sleep…**** Enjoy!**

I was changing when I heard a knock on wall of the stall.

"Kaneen," Colin's voice said, "are you dressed?"

"Yeah. You can come in," I said, pulling my shirt on.

The curtain opened and Colin slipped in. He was wearing cotton and armor again. He was heavier, I noticed it more now. More muscle. He was still tall and thin, but built up a little more. I liked it.

"Is it sorted out?"

"Yes," I said, and threw myself desperately at him. I kissed him and kissed him. Like both times before this kiss was nothing like what I had felt with Harland but it wasn't disappointing, just different. I was fascinated by it and kissed him until I caught a flash in my mind of Lydia walking towards the dressing room looking for me.

I sighed and pulled away. Pressing my lips to his one last time, I said, "I have to go. I love you Colin."

He was panting slightly. "I love you too Kaneen." His eyes were tortured like as he watched me go. I knew he didn't like it, and neither did I, but I liked my job and I had my priorities. Besides, I was supposed to be keeping work place relationships professional.

"Ready?" Lydia asked when I popped out the door right into her.

"Yeah," I smiled.

"You're in a better mood that you were yesterday," she noted as we walked over to Harland who was reading a scroll in his hand.

"I had something on my mind yesterday," and said but then said nothing more; we had reached Harland.

"We're all ready," Lydia told Harland.

"Good. Here Michael. Tell Daniel I said yes," he told the desk boy after handing him the scroll.

"Yes, sir," Michael nodded and hurried to do as told.

Harland looked up at me, meeting my eyes once. I couldn't tell what the look there meant. It was somewhere between pain and scrutiny. Did he suspect? Or was that normal for something getting over someone?

He looked away then and headed out the door. I didn't know what to do so I just followed him out.

As the day passed and kept catching Harland watching me I couldn't tell which bothered me more, the fact that I knew I had hurt Harland, the fact that I had hurt myself too, or the fact that I missed Colin terribly.

I felt awful for what I had done to Harland; he had always been so good to me. Never once had he intentionally hurt me, never once had he targeted me for anything. He had been constantly cautious and had always looked out for me. He had never let me fight a criminal he didn't know I could be and he had always treated me like a lady even though I dressed and acted like a man. He respected and valued my innocence more than I did, and felt like I was a tiny angel of sunshine, like he once called me. Harland was always courteous, always gentlemanly, and always putting my needs before his. He was the perfect man to make a husband, the kind of man my mother would approve of. He hadn't deserved being dropped in such a fickle way, but there was nothing I could do about it now.

I felt awful in general too. I didn't like that I couldn't be with Harland anymore, but I wanted Colin more. I was being greedy, I knew I should just be happy that I had Harland, but I couldn't have two things offered to me and take the one that was less appealing. Didn't anyone ever tell you anymore to listen to your heart? I knew I would fall asleep crying tonight like I had last night and that my body would be sore from nothing in particular. I knew that whenever I looked at Harland my chest would ache like someone was stabbing me and I would feel near to dying. I knew that with this my perfect little façade of a happy world would be over and I'd have to deal with every pain that came my way like a woman and that I couldn't cry over them all, but it came with no good gracing. To be honest, my life was stuck halfway in horrible and halfway in wonderful.

And then there was the fact that, even though I had given up Harland for him, I would only see Colin once a day for maybe a half an hour. That pained me more than anyone could ever guess. The stabbing feeling when I walked away from him today made me want to die, almost literally. It was almost like his pain was my own. It was scary, sad, surprising and satisfying all at the same time. I didn't know how to feel, he had always been my best friend not this. I didn't like at all that I would hardly get to see him; it was like a stab wound to the heart. I was estranged by my sudden realization in his liking me and me liking him, but there was nothing I could do to change that. I couldn't just make the feelings disappear nor did I have any desire to truthfully. I loved Colin in a way so great that it conquered everything else in my life; it was just startling to realize that maybe that reason wasn't like a brother or a best friend. I had always loved him and always would. Now there was just another reason to feel pain in him being gone.

But I knew I would make it. I knew that now that I had Colin back nothing would stop me. He was the only person in the entire world that had power enough to stop me in my tracks. He always did and he always would. Others may knock me down and cause me pain beyond my greatest imagine, but he was the only one that could stop me, he was the only one that could hold me down.

When I got home the evening I cried again. I just lay in my bed and cried for a very long time. Home was becoming more and more of a curse on my existence and less and less of a sanctuary.

Last night when I had come home after not coming home that night, my father had yelled and yelled at me. I had yelled and yelled back. I screamed, shouted, cried, and ultimately told him that he couldn't do what he was doing. That he had to stop, that I wouldn't stand for it. And oddly enough, he stopped. He gave up, just like that.

He nodded and said, "You're right. I can't do this. I just don't want to give you up quite yet."

So then I had said, "I'm not yours to give." My voice was lethal, my body was shaking. I probably looked like a very pissed off cat, being as small as I am and having the color of hair that I do.

His eyes will dark with knowing. "If only you knew," he muttered and walked away his eyes harried.

I hated the mysteries that my father proposed for me. It was like he wanted me to snoop and find out what he was hiding. He offered up hints of information that I knew in the long run he didn't want me to have but gave none-the-less. What was he trying to prove?

As for the way that he always seemed to listen to me when I told him to do something, I have no idea why. Since when did the commands of a fifteen year old girl have precedence over a forty-five year old man's free will? And it was never like he was about to break, like I had to argue my point long enough to convince him. When I tried he was dead set on being right. There was nothing in his face that made it seem like he was going to break anytime soon. No light in his eyes. But as soon as I gave a command and told him to do something, it was like he instantly melted. The epiphany shone in his eyes and his entire posture changed. His shoulders went slack, his eyes dropped, and his mouth became soft. There was no will left in him. He listened but it seemed almost like he had too.

* * *

I was tired when morning broke. But I knew Colin was at Headquarters and so I went. I ran more like. I ran all the way to Headquarters and when I arrived he was there, in the dressing stall. I spent my while just there in his arms. Kissing him and talking to him. It seemed like there was a million years worth of memories that I need to catch up on. We had been apart nine months and in that time he had done so much.

I made that tradition. Get up, feel like dying, remember Colin, run to work, and find him in the dressing stall. And then we would kiss. It never got old. The feeling of me having him there for me, waiting. He was always just as excited as me, even if he was having a bad day. His lips always gave me the chills when they touched me, and they always made my heart skip. Someone later that day would mention the dressing stalls and I would smile conspiratorially.

But then my half an hour would be over. I would have to leave and Colin would go back to watching the puppies. The only thing I regretted about that month was that Colin always seemed so bored. He said it was worth it whenever I addressed him on the subject. That if had to spend a few hours a day bored to see me, well, that was the easiest way to do it even that he could think of. He was lucky.

I didn't think it was fair though. I prodded him on the subject repeatedly and even once asked Goddard about it. I brought it up carefully and quietly, talking to him for a while beforehand. When I knew I had him in the palm of my hand I said casually, "What about that squire of yours? Colin. What does he do while you work around here?"

He said that he had offered to let him stay at the Castle and that he seemed bored to the point of exhaustion by the end of the day but that Colin wanted to do his duty and go where his knight master went. He said he had tried to entertain him by sending him on errands occasionally, the best he could think of, but that he felt it wasn't quite right to treat Colin like a servant. He was a knight in training, he had seen war, and had even kill a man, it was disrespectful to Colin to ask him to do petty things like fetch water, lunch, and things from people across town.

Goddard told me that the only time he didn't seem bored was right when they arrived. He said Colin was always nearly jumping out of his saddle in excitement. He couldn't figure out why that was but he didn't try. Colin had always been a strange one, too quiet for his own good, working himself to hard, and always seeming like he was missing something or someone. Only now did he not seem like he was missing that something or someone. Goddard said that sometimes he wondered if Colin had found whatever it was that he had lost, but had never gotten around to asking him about it. He said that because Colin was Colin that he didn't feel like he should invade on his privacy. Colin was who he was.

And I understood it all. Everything that he said made sense. Colin was bored but he came to see me. Before he had been missing me, but now that he had found me, well, the longing that had made him distant was gone. He was happy now. Bored, yes, but happy.

It made me love him all the more. It made ever moment I spent without him livable. I would think back to what Goddard said and I would find that everything was alright. Sometimes it scared me and I didn't know what to do, but I couldn't bring myself to find in anger towards Colin, ever, or towards his stupidity. I told him over and over that if he was so bored then he should stay at the castle but he said that he would miss out on seeing me. I knew he was being stupid there, I told him, but I couldn't find it in me to be mad at him.

I love him and there was nothing I could do about it. Even in my darkest hours to come, when I wished my heart wasn't so tightly bound to him, it still would be. When I was convinced he hated me I would still love him. When I was in the arms of another man I would still love him. Something about Colin made my love for him irrevocable to a degree so strong it pained me often. I wasn't scared of it or worried about the pain but it was there. I found that I was okay though as long as I got to see him.

It was all okay as long as I got my half an hour.

But on July thirty-first, all that ended.


	19. Chapter 18: Pining Away

**A/N: I own nothing!!!! Cept for my characters and stuff….technically…but Tamora Pierce can have those if she likes. **

**Okay. Guys, I AM SOOOOOOO SORRRY!!! This took FO-EVER!!!!! I'm sorry!! I had writers block and then I went to DC for spring break. And well, today, when I got home, I realized that it was the first day since I got back (Sunday) that I had felt up to writing. So, I whipped this out. Yeahh…it could be better but I'm antsy for the next chapter. It's big. Like, MONGO big. Haha. Okay. Sorry. I'm leaving now so you can read…**

**Sorry once more!!!**

* * *

"I have to leave!" Colin gasped, his eyes pained.

"Why?" I whispered my mind crashing. Everything was spiraling downward…Colin could _not _leave. He just couldn't.

"Goddard thought I seem too bored so he found a short job to take care of in the south," he stared off into space above my head. "He said it isn't long, that it'll only take a few weeks, but I still don't like the idea of it."

"You'd rather be bored and be with me than be entertained and without?" I asked in a small voice. That just seemed so absurd. Why would be choose me over the glories of knighthood? Since I was nine the only thing I had ever dreamed of was becoming a knight. It seems so foolish for him to choose a girl over that dream.

"Of course. Why else would I have stayed around?" my heart would have melted to that if it hadn't been broken already.

* * *

I kissed Colin again and again. I didn't want to leave. My half an hour was up but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered but Colin…or maybe Lydia walking towards the dressing room. Frantically I kissed Colin with a little more fervor than ever before. I was leaving him with a bit of what had been me and Harland once but was no more.

And then I broke away.

"Goodbye," I choked and wiped away my tears.

"I'm not dying. Just leaving for a few weeks," he whispered.

"I know. Still hurts."

"I love you, Kaneen. Don't forget that when you fall asleep tonight."

"I won't. Love you too, Colin."

"Goodbye, Kaneen."

"Bye, Colin."

And I left him.

I'd like to say I spent the two and a half weeks happy, smiling, loving life, and above all not in pain but that would be a lie. It seemed like I had gone back to that first month in the lower city, taken my behavior, feelings, and pain and multiplied its intensity by a hundred and then stuffed it into my tiny body. Later on in my life I would learn to deal with my pain better but at this point, sadly, it was the anguish that was keeping me afloat. If I were to avoid it and take on my old personae, well, I may have well broken down into shameless tears at all hours of the day.

I wasn't me when I was alone. It was pretty pathetic, what Colin did to me, but it was real. He made me feel the first real happiness that I had felt in a long time and had made me feel the first real pain I had felt in an even longer time. With Colin things weren't make believe to me; I couldn't put on a pretty face and get him to change his mind and his free will for me. I supposed later in life that I would learn there was a reason for this, that maybe it was more than just something he did, but right then, inside of me, it amounted to something that scared me. It meant that things with me and Colin were just like they had always been but at the same time, just like they had never been.

Every day came with a new pain. I knew Colin wasn't coming back for a while, but I would still run to headquarters full speed in hopes that maybe he had returned early. Everyday though, he was never there.

Things with Harland cooled off. He watched me no less and seemed perturbed by my sadness but he didn't bring it up with me often. I could tell he was doing his best to put things back the way they were before everything between us had happened.

My body still heated up when I saw him though; the intrigue and desire never went away. I would still find myself longing to be with him, but he wasn't mine to be with anymore. I had chosen Colin, I had chosen someone else. I knew that if I went to Harland and told him I wanted him again he would take me back in a heartbeat. But when Colin came back I would instantly want him again so I would only be toying with Harland's heart. That wasn't something I wanted to do.

I still respected enough not to break him to pieces. Just because I loved Colin more, didn't mean I didn't love Harland any less. That didn't really sound right, but to me it made perfect sense. So I waited my days alone.

The pain that everyday brought my heart scared me and scarred me. I was terrified that Colin wouldn't return. I was terrified that he would die. I was terrified that when he came back that he wouldn't love me anymore.

I spent most every free second of the day daydreaming of when Colin would return. When I wasn't doing that though, I was pining in my hollow depression. It must have been such a change for my parent. I would come home before smiling and singing to myself but now I came home crying.

I had come to believe that tears were a commodity. That you only got so few and you had to learn to appreciate them. Banking on that being true, then I knew my store of tears was about up. They had to be dwindling. I never went a minute without sore and inflamed tear ducts. But what did that matter? I was just a reminder of what I really wanted. A reminder of my only dream every night. A reminder of who I was.

I stopped eating. I barely slept. It wasn't out of self pity, but more out of fear. I was scared that if I took my time with such trite things that I would be wasting moments that I could spend in memory of Colin. Or, as with sleeping, I was simply afraid of the nightmares that often came.

But one week turned into two, reckon at a pace so slow it was worth murdering over, but it came nonetheless. And when week two finally came to a close and I found myself in week three I thought that maybe I would make it. Maybe I wouldn't die halfway to my goal. That maybe I _would_ get to see Colin again. Just maybe.

But then I was stuck with the painful anticipation of Wednesday. I found it was actually worse than trying to get to the third week. Now that it was here, well, getting to the official end of my two and half week wait was near excruciating. I didn't think that it was possible to make yourself go so crazy.

I started seeing things-visions of trees, the faces of men, horses, a long road leading, seemingly, to nowhere. I knew that I probably should have been frightened by these occurrences but I found that losing myself in them took care of the greater of my fretting. Or, at least, that I could forget about it for a while and enjoy the sweet mind flashes I kept receiving. Mind flashes that reminded me of Colin for some reason.

Wednesday came, but Colin didn't. I remember running to Headquarters so fast that my legs felt similar to jelly afterwards. That didn't matter though. All that mattered was that today I got see Colin. However, there were no horses belonging to knights outside. There were no knights inside the offices. There was no Colin. I could barely breathe. Curling into a ball in the dressing room, I cried and cried. "Bring him back to me…Bring him back to me…" I muttered over and over, rocking myself.

At last the words changed. Just once, they became, "Goddard, bring him back to me." Never again did I speak those words; just that once. I went back to the traditional, "bring him back to me," after that, but that once, I did address Goddard.

But for once, it seemed like someone wasn't listening to my commands other than Colin himself.


	20. Chapter 19: Not Enough

"Kaneen." _Go away._

"Kaneen." _Please…_

"Kaneen!" _Just…go._

"KANEEN!"

"WHAT?!" I jerked upwards and slammed my head into the ceiling on my 'room'. I cursed loudly, using words I learned from the criminals we captured.

"Damn, Kaneen. Where did you learn all those colorful words?" my brother asked with a smirk.

"The same place I'm going to put you if you don't leave me alone." I was hardly in the mood to deal with this.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear you threaten me, and I'm going to say that Aunnaleen is here." Aunnaleen! What was she doing here?

"Aunnaleen? Why?" I hurried to my feet.

"How am I supposed to know?"

"Ug." I rushed around, slipping into the wash closet, pulling my nightshirt off.

"Hey," Taylor called as I quickly tied the strap on my gown.

"What?"

"Did you know your friend wears pants?"

"Really?" I asked with mock questioning.

"Yeah. She like has a complete black shirt and pant outfit. It's really attractive. No. _She's _really attractive. Have you seen her breasts they ginor- " I put one hand over his mouth and one hand over the bulge in his pants, my nails digging in sharply.

"If you want to keep these," I squeezed him sharply, "then don't say anything else regarding my friend."

I felt him swallow beneath my hand and then nod. With one tight, and rather painful for him, squeeze, I released him.

"Gosh, Kaneen. Did you have to be a witch about it? I was just complementing her," he rolled his eyes and then walked off, mumbling foul words and something about how he was glad I didn't have magic.

If I had magic, well, he'd _really _be feeling it right now. Let's leave it at that.

Checking my belt under my dress, I hurried out to Aunnaleen, glancing at the clock on my way. 10:34. Well, there was the reason why she was here. I was very late.

For once, I didn't care.

"Aunnaleen, I'm so sorry. I'm late. I know I told you I'd meet you at the usual time. I'm really sorry," I threw out my cover. She knew my parents didn't know I was a dog and that I was running on the cover of very diligent friend, and generally played along whenever she saw them.

"It's okay just…you were missed," her eyes confused me. Harland or Lydia?

"I know. Love you Mother! Have to go!" and I left doing nothing more than shooting Taylor a _very _dirty look. He simply grinned and made an obscene gesture in his chest area. He was growing up far too fast. Lower city life had turned my innocent little ten year old brother into a dirty foul minded eleven year old. He needn't be making such joke.

Once out on the street with Aunnaleen I threw my arms around her. I don't know why I did, but I felt like I had too. It was just…such a hard time.

"I'm really sorry…I'm kinda depressed right now…I don't know why I over slept," I groveled.

She shook her head. "Don't worry. I can tell you've been upset lately, so can Harland, and so he sent me to come get you gently. He figured it'd be better if it was a friend rather than him…" she trailed off, suddenly seeming uncomfortable.

"It's not that sore of a subject. Don't worry," I assured her.

"Okay…well, that's what happened."

I watched the ground as we walked to headquarters. Nothing was working out anymore…nothing.

At least I still had Aunnaleen. That much I could smile on. That much I could prize. It wasn't like Colin would never come back, I had the feeling he was alive, but it was just going to be a lot longer than I wanted it to be…

When we arrived at headquarters I wasn't aware of my surrounding until Harland threw his arms around me. "Mithros, Kaneen," he muttered. "You had me so worried. Please, don't _ever _do that again," he sounded like he was extremely shaken…I was just late.

"Don't worry," I said, realizing I was crying. How long had I been crying for?

"It's just, for a couple weeks now you've seemed really bad, always sad, sometimes crying, and then when you didn't show up…well, it terrified me. I knew you were probably fine, that's why I didn't go myself, I'm trying to distance this, but I still had to make sure you were alive and fine. Make sure you were still in one piece…" his voice was so tortured. He still loved me after everything, now didn't he?

"Honestly, I just cried a little too much last night," I said, the fact that I was admitting my weakness biting at me like a wasp on my neck. "I didn't wake up."

"Alright…" he said, letting my shoulders go. I smiled weakly and pathetically. "Do you want to go home?"

"No!" I said a little too quickly and loudly. "I mean, no thank you."

"Alright. Go get ready. I'll tell Lydia you're here. Meet us here in, oh, thirty minutes?" he raised his eyebrows.

"Sounds good," my voice was lifeless, I noted to myself. No wonder he had been worried I was on the verge of suicide.

I drifted towards the dressing room, the tears blocking my vision. Once I stepped into the long hallway of stalls with the metal lockers at the end, I felt a little more lost then before. It was an emotion though. It was something other than nothing. I pulled my outfit out and stepped into the dressing room, putting everything on, numb.

"Kaneen?" a very tentative voice said that ripped my heart in half nearly.

Could it…

"Colin?" I asked quietly, not moving from the spot I stood, terrified beyond imagination that this was just another one of my hallucinations.

"Are you dressed?" he finally asked, after much tension built. I let out the breath I had been holding.

"Is it really you?" I found myself standing less than an inch from the curtain, ready to burst through.

"Yeah. It's me."

I threw back the curtain, unable to make it move fast enough. My eyes were wide as I stared into those sky blue eyes that had meant so much to me. It _was _him. _Him. _

"Colin!" I gasped, throwing my arms around his neck. He stumbled backwards a little bit, pulling me upwards so that my legs were around him. He stepped into the stall and shut the curtain. He set me down on the bench, knelt in front of it on two braced knees, and leaned forwards to kiss me.

It didn't stop. This was the most amazing kiss we had ever shared. This was the type of kiss that made everything okay.

"Why weren't you here yesterday?" I mumbled after a while.

"I'm sorry. We returned yesterday but Goddard told me we had to rest at the castle before coming back here. He didn't seem to understand why I wanted to come back so soon when I had been so bored before. I actually had to argue with him to get him to allow the trip today," he kissed me again. "Why weren't you here earlier?"

"I…I fell asleep crying last night and didn't wake up today," I looked down almost shamefully. He didn't seem to agree with that emotion though and kissed me again.

"Mithros, Kaneen. I love you. You know that right? I told you I'd come back. I'm really sorry I couldn't back yesterday, I tried my best. Honestly, I almost snuck out. Would have but that blasted dragon of Daine's was sleeping in the courtyard outside my window. I tried once and it woke up, gave me the evil eye, and blew fire at me! Numair will be taking it away in a week though. Jon doesn't like him keeping pets bigger than him in the palace," Colin sighed.

When Daine, a wild mage who could shape shift into a variety of animals, was still young she acquired a baby dragon. Her husband, Numair, was in charge of her rather fruitful endeavors. If she had way, the palace, and everything around her, would be entire run amuck with animals. He was responsible for controlling her, her dragon, her animals, and new magicked dinosaur skeleton. She also spent much of her time with a basilisk. While he had been an employee at the castle many years ago, he still was considered a bit of a stretch for the creatures to be kept in the palace.

"It's alright," I said and kissed his face all over.

"Kaneen, really," the sky blue eyes I knew so well were sad, grieving.

"No, really Colin. So what yesterday I was sad? I'm here today and so are you. You're here _now_. For me, that's all that matters. Yesterday means nothing. It never has. Only today does. And today, I'm with you and, frankly, that's enough."

"What about tomorrow, Kaneen? What about tomorrow?" he gripped my hands over and over.

"Well, while I'd rather be able to that I'm absolutely positive the outcome of tomorrow is set in stone and that it will be happy, I have no way of knowing that. So, I just have to brace myself and pray to the goddess that nothing will go wrong. But, I have no way of knowing," I had thought this over a thousand times before. Reckon when I was in despair I didn't really believe it, when I was happy I just went on hoping it all work out as it should.

He looked down, took a deep breath, and then looked into my eyes again. "That's not enough for me."

I raised an eyebrow.

In answer he said again. "That's not enough for me, Kaneen. It's not _enough_ for me."

"But there's no way to change that." He was going mad, surely.

"Yes there is." His eyes went unfocused, calculating. And then they snapped back all of a sudden. "Yes there is." His voice was harsh now.

"Wha…?" I have to admit it; I was a little frightened at that minute. Not that magic scared me, for that felt like what he was proposing, but that he seemed so mad and bent on the idea.

"I should have done this a long time ago…the day I saw you. It makes complete sense. Everything would work out perfectly. Tomorrow would be for sure, your sentence would be over, and well, I'd have to deal with the consequences proposed by the palace later. But it would be easy to execute once we got past that detail. Only a minor setback. I'd do it. For you, I'd do it. I'd do anything…" he wasn't looking at me anymore, or anything for that matter. Going mad…I hated to think it but it kept occurring in my head. He was acting insane. It really was no big deal. He should know! I, the one with the temper, was okay.

But here he was, ranting at my feet. Kneeling there like in prayer, he seemed so submissive and raving.

"Colin," I said at once, putting my hands on either side of his head. He shook once. "Colin," I said again. Finally he met my eyes. At last. "Calm down. I love you, I always have, but you must understand here and now that that doesn't mean there has to be an answer to the future. I don't require that. Do you? If you want an answer than I'll certainly accept one, but I don't require it. Colin, baby, I love you. Know that. Nothing that happens will _ever_ in a _hundred _years change that. Things will happen and that love will get tried, but I swear to you, Mithros, and the Goddess that you will always be the one. Please don't do anything rash, anything that will mess up what you have going for yourself. I love you."

He smiled wryly. "Then that's enough for me to know that I should do it."

"Do what?"

"Ask you to become my betrothed." He said it so simply, like he was merely explaining why he took the chicken off the fire at dinner time. So easy. "Become my betrothed." Did he not know what those words meant? What they constituted? What would happen to his career as a knight?

"What do you mean?" I felt so stupid. So foolish. I was unable to comprehend his words.

"You know exactly what I mean." He took my hand and slid a wedding band over my left ring finger.

"I want you to marry me, Kaneen."


	21. Chapter 20: Telling Aunnaleen

**Okay, so guys, I know this took forever for it to come out but I've had end of the year projects galore and stuff. I actually skipped out on them for a while to write this-they're still going on. Suckish, I know. But guess what? You get two chapters, not one. **

**Lol. Okay. So projects, I gotta do them. EE's, IB English Essays, Spanish Internal Assessments….yawn. But they're mandatory. **

**So enjoy and tell me what you think. **

I didn't want to let Colin do it, let him throw everything away like that, but I couldn't say know. The pain was too agonizing when he was gone. We figured that we could try our bests to work it out so he wasn't demoted from squire but there was no way of knowing. We would do our pleading later.

As for me and my training, well, this was too closely associated with my old life; I couldn't let them intertwine more so than they already were. I had to give up the Provost's Guard once it was said and done most likely.

I would hold on until the last second though. I loved this job more than anything aside from Colin and perhaps Harland.

"When are you asking up at the castle?" I questioned him. It was later that evening. He had gotten leave from Goddard to go for a ride off to the forest. I had climbed on the back of his horse and let him speed out of the city. I know sat in his arms leaned up against a large old tree in a meadow. My hair fell down in golden curls, freed from its braid, and it draped around my shoulders. It was warm in the late evening sun and it was these moments that I lived for.

"I figure I'll bring it up with Goddard tomorrow, on Saturday," he said evenly. "That way I have Sunday to recover from any screaming or beatings." This part was said in joking.

"Would you seriously give everything up if he said no?" I asked turning to him.

"Kaneen. I've learned more than once over that you're what matters. This knighthood was always your passion anyways, not mine. I just went for it because then you got to live vicariously through me," he grinned and I slugged him. I knew he liked whether was going to admit it or not. Besides, he was forced to do it so _that_ wasn't about me.

"What about your father? What would he think? Do you think he's going to let you toss everything way for me?" There was my solution, I thought silently. He wouldn't be able to disappoint his father.

"I've never told you this Kaneen but I'm adopted. My parents died in a carriage accident many years back, before I can even remember. My father was just a family friend that took the liberty of my care. He doesn't have to conscious to stop me. He'd remember my real father and his passion for a great romance and wouldn't be able to tell me not follow through with the legacy I was handed down when my father passed. I'm a Harold Sound. I have the blood of the post passion man to ever be born in Harold Sound and my father won't stop me for following that. You're parents on the other hand are a different story. They've moved into the Lower City to protect you and I'm bringing the spotlight back. How do you think that will ferry with them?"

I chuckled. "Well, in all honesty I brought that spotlight light on myself nine months ago when I decided to join the Provost's Guard. Although its not my fault I'm a bit a of a legend," I grinned at him wickedly. "Just because I'm too amazing to stay in Puppy training for the proper time and I'm being mastered by perhaps the greatest Dog pair in the business, all together to make the best trio in the Lower City, doesn't mean I could help it. I just put myself in the situation and then pursued it once it came my way."

"You're really cocky, you know that right?" Colin laughed.

"The cockiest. It's part of my charm. Live with it baby. You want _me_ you get my cockiness too."

"Oh I know. Trust me. I know. Hmmm…" his eyes became distant.

"What?"

"I was just wondering as to the subject of your group being the greatest in the Lower City. I believe it. I've seen you work-yes, I have spied once or twice-and I'd heard of you in courtly gossip. I wonder how long it takes the King to figure out that it's you. If he doesn't already know of course. That seems like something he would do, figure out you were rising in the ranks of the Provost's Guard and just chuckle. It _is_ only as expected from. Anything less would be unsatisfactory."

"That _is_ a thought. I bet he knows. He's smart and he knows me. John's always got something up his sleeve. I bet he knows about this too. Or at least suspects that it will happen soon enough," I gazed off into the distance the sudden lapse of all of these characters of the story of my life lost coming back to me all at once. It didn't seem wrong. It was just surprising that it all came back so easily, like I had just seen John and Thayet just yesterday. Like just yesterday I was picked fun at John's grandson Roald (son of Roald and like a cousin to me) trying to get him to take me up to the room where his father kept all the alchemy stuffs saved from the time of John's youth, the alchemy stuffs that had belonged to the infamous Duke Rodger of Conte. It seemed like not a day had gone by since I had been sitting in Uncle Roald's office (he was okay with me calling him Uncle; he said it fit) listening to scary stories about the metal monsters that fed off of the souls of children and were ultimately destroyed by Keladry of Mindelan. The last ten months didn't exist anymore.

"He's knows you so well, and he's very fond of you. You're like a granddaughter to him; he probably has been watching you since you left. I doubt he would have let you just go off into oblivion. I'd be willing to be ten gold crowns that he's had tabs on you since the day you left," he nodded sternly. I laughed.

"Or at least since I single handedly caught one of my escaped Gallan assassinators. However I was the only one who got a good look at their faces before they disappeared. He might not know that."

"You did what?" Colin put hands on each of my arms, turned me to face him, and shook me slightly.

I laughed again. "It was my first day as a field Puppy. I saw him and knew there was something wrong about him so I fought with him and beat him. Harland and Lydia were watching over me in case I needed help but I was fine. I attribute that to the fact that I didn't recognize him until after he was unconscious. Don't think I could have focused if I knew that before," I trailed off drawing circles in the dirt. The fingers on my other hand found themselves on the crystal of the necklace resting between my breasts. Smooth and cool and so frighteningly ominous.

"Well I wish someone would have told me about this sooner," Colin grumbled.

"I didn't see reason to worry you. In fact I haven't thought on the issue in quite some time. I'm sorry you feel out of the loop though."

He rolled his eyes and shook his head. "You're killing me, Kaneen," he moaned, falling back onto the grass.

I laughed and kissed him. "You seem fine enough to me."

"To you."

"That's all that matters," I grinned and rested my head gently on his chest.

"Aunnaleen!" I said in a high whisper, standing in the shadows behind her. She was waiting to turn in her paper work for the day.

"Yeah?" she asked after turning around assuring it was me.

"I need to talk to you," my voice low.

"Okay. One moment," and she turned in her paper work. "Alright," she said, walking with me out the door. "Where are we going?"

"Somewhere private. I need to tell you something."

"Ooh! Is it a secret?" she asked, her whisper a little too loud.

I covered her mouth. "Yes! Now keep your voice down." She nodded and I lowered my hand.

"Is this one anything like the last you told me in a situation like this?" she piped all jittery like.

"Yeah," I laughed shortly. "Something like it."

"Good. I liked that one."

When we got to Gerund's we took a seat at my usual table. It was weird to have her sitting there with me but the déjà vu was the stronger presence.

Conner came over, smiling. I smiled back but Colin was the only thing on my mind.

"Can I get you ladies anything?" he asked.

After we ordered he asked, "How do you know that gentleman you sat with last time you were here? The knight?"

I smiled. "He's a very dear friend," I nodded to him and he left without another word. "And the reason why you're here," I added to Aunnaleen.

"You're being courted by a knight?" she asked, her face puzzled.

"Not courted by. Betrothed to," I corrected her, pulling the wedding band out of my pocket for her to see.

"Wow," she whispered, everything hitting her. "This is amazing! What's he like? What's his name?"

"His name is Colin and I've…he's an amazing man." I had almost told her that I'd known him my whole life but I had choked. I wanted to do it, but I didn't want to blow the cover. I had to keep her in the dark that way I could disappear if time asked me to. I grabbed at my heart, the vague pain there awesome to me.

"He's a knight?"

"A squire, but nearly a knight."

"Wait," she said, her eye becoming wary. "If he's a squire, you'll be leaving…won't you?"

I looked down. This was the part that had scared me. Leaving her.

"If the palace lets him continue training, yes."

Aunnaleen's eyes became glazed and she stared over my shoulder for some time.

"You can't leave. You can't leave me. Lydia. Harland! He still loves you, you know. And what about all the chances they took for you? All the strings they pulled to get you where you are? And you'd leave for some squire you probably don't even know?" she stood up angrily.

I took three deep breaths and then said quietly. "Yes. I love him, Aunnaleen. I've known him for years. A lot longer than you may even could guess. He's always been my best friend and now I get the opportunity to finalize our life together." But I wasn't trying. When I had been telling Harland I wanted to end us I had been willing him with all my being to understand. It had taken everything in me but I had done it and convinced him to let me. When I spoke to my father I always had anger as my force of driving will. Now there was nothing. I knew she wouldn't let me go in good graces and I, frankly, didn't want her to. I wanted her to hate me for doing it. I wanted her to never forgive me. Maybe that was what I was willing her to think. I was will her to think it because it would make my leaving all the easier.

"Why have we never heard about him before then?" she spat.

"Because I've had to keep him secret. Let's just say there's things about my life you can't know. And it would be in everyone's best interest if you didn't tell anyone about anything I've said today," I stared at her hard, getting on my feet.

"You're despicable. I want you to think about Lydia tonight when you cuddle with your knight in shining armor. Think about Harland. Think about me. You're my best friend and you're just going to leave me?"

"I never said I actually was leaving, you know."

"Oh shut it! You _always_ get your way. Always. Why would this time be any different? Knowing you, you want him to continue his training and so be it. And you'll leave. You'll leave me. You'll leave Harland."

I stared at her for a long moment and then turn and strutted out of the eating house, slamming four gold crowns on the table as I went.

My anger was worse than my pain but the pain was there. It was the pain of hurting a dear friend. This would be the last time I would feel this pain with such an intensity. In fact, as the years would pass it would all but disappear. My life would consolidate itself into solitude and my heart would cease to grieve over the pain of hurting a friend. This is what would let me eventually become the monster I would find myself as but it would be the price to become the powerful and ruthless being a part of my mind so craved to be.

And as for when Colin had held me by the tree and I had laid on his chest, well, that would be the last time I would do anything of the likes for years to come. It would be only on my nineteenth birthday that he would again hold me so and then it would never end, but until then I would reside in such a way in the arms of many different lovers, all of whom never completely managed to save me from the pain Colin was doomed to cause me time and time again.

My escape from such pain would only coming in time with the loss of my compassion, my ability to feel for others, and drawn out period of indirect reign over all of creation, something I would do in no good grace. I would become an emblem of fear for Tortall, a well known liability to the countries safety. And yet they would love me. I would later become the most revered ruler to ever hold throne and it would be with love the people had always possessed for me.

Through fear, pain, horror, trial, and intrepid escape plans I would fulfill my rightful destiny as I had always known I would, however good or bad that may be.


	22. Chapter 21: Wedding Plans

**Number two of my two chapter post. So, yay! Gotta run. :DDD**

"I got it," Colin said excitedly.

"Got what?" I asked. We were in the dressing room again.

"Permission. To marry you and to continue my training. I didn't exactly bring up who you were, which may or may not have been a good decision in the long run, but Percy agreed to let me wed if it didn't interfere with my studies, if Goddard agreed, and if we married in the lower city. He said he would contest for me to have a personal room not attached to Goddard's as well. It's going to happen, Kaneen," his eyes were on fire with the light I had seen in them time and time again, the one that made my heart sputter now and had always meant adventure to me. (Percy was the head Knight overseeing the studies of the pages and squires. He was the successor of the successor of Sir Wyldon.)

"Perfect," I grinned. The last thing on my mind was the fact that I was going to be leaving Aunnaleen. At this point all that mattered was Colin. He was the one thing on my mind.

"Everything will work out as we've hoped it would."

"Curiously, Colin. What do you think they'll do when they realize I'm me?" he sat down next to me.

"I'm not sure. At first they might try to stop it, but since I'm already going to have married you there's nothing they could do. But it was your parents' decision to move you here, not Percy's and not the King's. Do you think they'll move back?" he looked at me questioningly.

"Honestly? I don't think so. Not at first at least. While none of them are happy in the Lower City, I think it'd be too much of an admittance that they've failed in making me safe. But they don't have to worry anymore. I'm not marrying down as they've kind of set me up to do by sticking me. I'm marrying someone I love and trust, and even though I'm more than capable of taking care of myself, they don't know that, so they can have the assurance that I'll be protected. You're going to be a knight soon. You wouldn't let me die at the hands of Gallan assassinators. Not in theory at least," I grinned as his punched me.

"I would _not _let Gallan assassinators kill you, thank you very much for the faith you have in me."

"Welcome," I said as I kissed him. I sighed as I saw Lydia in my head check the clock in the other room. It was time for me to get going. "Can you stay late?"

"Yes. Percy said if Goddard allows me and I tell him the full truth, that I can have permission to stay as late as I want. While it's not really Percy's decision, directly, he does have enough influence to keep me from getting in trouble with the King or any rivaling knight. I think it'll be alright with Goddard though. He's understanding and accommodating. He might even think it's a good idea. Give me something to look forward to when we're out," Colin mused.

"He was worried about you and was happy when you seemed to be in better spirits upon returning here. So he might be okay with it. _I _have to go though. I have Dog Masters that are tapping their feet and I'm going to be leaving them soon enough so I have some things we need to get done. I love you," I added in a soft voice.

"I love you too," and I slipped out of the dressing room.

While we were out prowling the city I made the decision not to tell Lydia or Harland that I was leaving until the day for me to do so got closer. I didn't want the tension to become any worse than it already was. We were the best team, despite the awkward relationship Harland and I shared, and I didn't want to destroy that.

Around six I broke up with Harland and Lydia and waited in the dressing room until a jubilant Colin appeared.

"It went well," I said without asking.

"Better. He was excited and already suspected as much. He said he knew from the day he talked to you about me and my well being that you were in love with me and that he suspected you were the one I was missing all during the war. What'd you do to let him know? Not that I'm complaining. Just you're usually closed off…"

"Things are different with you. I don't work the same when it comes to you and things in your relation," I puzzled that over for a while.

"Do you want to go for a walk?" he asked suddenly.

"Sure."

We found ourselves in Gerund's waiting for our meal to come.

"So," he said carefully. "Do you want to pick a date?"

"Yes."

He took out a pocket calendar on a rolled up piece of parchment. "Today's the twenty-first and its Saturday. What day of the week do you want?"

"Tuesday," I said without thinking.

"Tuesday?"

"Tuesday."

"Why Tuesday?" he asked laughing.

"Because no one else would put it on Tuesday. It's such an odd day. Different worships celebrate on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. There're religious holidays on Wednesdays and Friday is such a clichéd day of the week, not for weddings necessarily, but in general, and that leaves me with Thursday and Tuesday and since Tuesday is spelled t-u-e I choose that one."

"And this is why I love you," he shook his head.

"I don't want to wait long. Can we do it within a month?"

"Sure. How about…September fourteenth? That way there's enough time for you to get a gown made and it's almost four weeks," he pointed to the fourteenth on his calendar.

"Okay," I said, taking his quill from him. I drew a big heart around the fourteenth and wrote "Kaneen" inside it.

"That works. I was going to write 'Lost Free-'"

"Carter Hills-er-Harold Sound, whoever you are, you _will _be nice to me," I pushed his chest.

"I know I will. The people of Tortall frown upon the beating of wives. I'll be a knight soon. I have to set a good example," he grinned. I rolled my eyes.

"So it's a date then?" I asked as Conner set the food down.

"Yeah. It's a date. September fourteenth we wed."

"You're getting married?" Conner asked, exasperated-like. "If you don't mind me asking," he added.

"That's the plan. Conner, meet my betrothed, Colin of Carter Hills. Colin, this is Conner. He's a good friend of mine," I nodded to the both.

"Pleasure to meet you, Conner," Colin said, climbing to his feet, setting his napkin down, and extending a hand to Conner.

"It's an honor to meet a knight like yourself. I expect you'll take good care of her now that you'll be taking her away?" the jealously only touched Conner's eyes slightly.

"Of course. She'll be in the best of hands and I suspect she'll feel right at home at the palace almost like she grew up there," his eyes glimmered mischievously. I made an annoyed loving face.

"The high life, eh, Kaneen? You think you're cut out for it? All those fancy dresses and gold encrusted plates?"

"Oh I think I'll be able to manage," I gave Colin a knowing humored look.

"I don't know. You seem so humble. Can't really see you struttin' around in them fancy petticoats and ribbons and such givin' orders to servants and not liftin' a finger. You do know them aristocrats don't like a girl who can hold her own and I'd bet money you could take me and your betrothed out." He scratched his head in musing like he was trying to picture me attempting to tackle him.

"While I don't disagree with that last part, I also realize the first part. I tend to get my way. I'll be able to figure it out somehow."

"Well I should let you two eat. You won't be having too many more meals here. I should let you enjoy them while they last," and with that he tottered off, seeming almost bemused.

That next day I headed down to the dress shop I had always had Harland drop me off at. She was open on Sundays, luckily, so I had decided to get myself fitted for a gown.

"You finally came inside," the woman at the table said with a smile. She had blonde hair curled up on her head and was wearing a light pink dress.

I gave her a puzzled look.

"Well you always stand outside but you never come inside. It's nice to see you actually come in."

I smiled. "I'm glad I get the chance to."

"What can I do for you then, gixie?" she asked throwing in the Lower City slang.

"Well, I'm getting married in almost a month. The fourteen and I was wondering if you could make me a dress. Nothing too fancy, I don't want to stand out too much, but elegant enough to make me look more majestic than my size allows," I had the exact design in mind actually.

"Alright. Do you want to do fittings now?"

"Yes please."

After the fittings she asked me to tell her the colors and everything I wanted. "I want a gown of the palest pink, pearl almost, with a sheer white over gown over it," I was planning on adding pearls around the waist when she was finished on my own. I didn't want to draw attention to my hidden wealth.

"That sounds beautiful," she said quietly.

"Good. That's what I'm going for."

I picked out the shoes I wanted at another store: leather boots of pale pink with ties that looped around a button on the outer sides. I would trade the buttons for pearls once I had the money to buy them. I spoke to the Temple of the Goddess leaders and they agreed to do a ceremony for us in the botanical garden there.

I was excited beyond belief. Everything was working out as I wanted it to. Everything,

Now came the time to break the ice though and destroy my happy little world. The next thing on today's to do list was, since mother and father were out with Taylor, to talk to Allicyn. It would be the first time I would have heard her voice since she said goodbye to her own betrothed, Ericson, about ten months ago and I really wanted to know what it was like to be betrothed, what I was giving up, and what she had to offer me in vey of advice if she would give me any at all.


End file.
